I never thought I would associate the word “dread” with Mother’s Day. After all, I always wanted to be a mother. I have been dreading this day for a few months now. I think the anticipation has made things worse. Now that it’s here, I feel a deep sadness. This is my first Mother’s Day without Gideon. Mother’s Day was the last holiday we celebrated together. Gideon went to Heaven fifteen days later. Mother’s Day has taken on a new meaning as I’ve struggled with the death of my only child because I don’t feel like a mother anymore.
Mother’s Day 2019
I made the decision to leave DC and go back to California on Mother’s Day weekend. I was thirty-four weeks pregnant at the time. I realized the family I wanted was just an illusion and would not be the healthiest thing for me and my unborn child. That Mother’s Day weekend was the moment I realized I would be a single mom. It was truly the best decision for us, but it was extremely difficult.
Mother’s Day 2020
The first Mother’s Day after Gideon was born was healing. I loved being Gideon’s mom. I loved that I could hold him and watch him grow and explore. I was getting the hang of being a single mom even though I was so ashamed to identify myself by that title. I was struggling though because our life wasn’t how I imagined it would be. We lived with my parents, I had just stopped working at the job I loved, and we were in covid lockdowns. It was hard, but even with all of that, I was in such a better place than the year before.
Mother’s Day 2021
I went to a Single Mom Mother’s Day dinner at my church. The support and generosity the church provided toward single mom’s was incredible to witness. I was finally coming to terms with the fact that I was a single mom. I realized I wasn’t failing Gideon, I was giving him the best life I could and he was thriving. Gideon was at such a fun age. He made some crafts for me for Mother’s Day. It finally felt like a good Mother’s Day.
Mother’s Day 2022
This was the first Mother’s Day I was actually looking forward to. Gideon woke up super early. Aunt Kim brought over donuts and Gideon gave me the gift he made for me at preschool. It was a framed picture with I love you written in chalk. Gideon was the I. We took a nap together and went out for ice cream. It was such a nice and relaxing day. It was my favorite Mother’s Day. That day feels like yesterday. The memories are so vivid. Gideon went to Heaven fifteen days later.
Mother’s Day 2023
I’m going to be very honest, I don’t even know where to begin with this Mother’s Day. I’m dreading it, I’m numb to it, and I’m not sure how to prepare for it. Do I even count as a mother anymore? I don’t have any other children. No one alive on earth calls me Mom. Now what do I call myself? I always thought the title I would lose was “single” not “mother.” I have been really struggling because I feel like I failed Gideon. It was my job as his mother to protect him and I wasn’t able to do that. This feeling of failure has really caused me to have an identity crisis. I feel like I failed as a mom so maybe I don’t deserve the title of mom anymore.
These feelings of failure have really intensified over the last few months. A few people have asked how they could pray for me and I told them they could be praying for this Mother’s Day because it is going to be a hard day. I didn’t go into details about all the failure thoughts I have been having. You know what, God answers even the littlest of prayers. I’ve started seeing things about being a good mom despite how I feel. A few friends have sent encouraging words and notes filled with truth. Another friend of mine shared an old status that included the words, “once a momma, always a momma.” Midnight Mom Devotional posted a prayer for the woman who needs to hear she’s a good mom. Grief Share has taught me that motherhood wasn’t my sole identity. It has been a very difficult process, but I’m beginning to understand and discover my new identity. All of those things felt like little reminders that my thoughts of failure are lies that I don’t need to listen to. I am so thankful for my motherhood journey even though it never looked like I imagined. Gideon is an amazing blessing and he changed my life for the better. I am so honored that God chose me to be his mother.
I believe you become a mother at the moment of conception, not at the birth of your child. When a woman is pregnant, the cells of the baby migrate into the mother’s bloodstream and then circle back into the baby, it’s called fetal-maternal microchimerism. After the baby is born, many of these cells stay in the mother’s body, leaving a permanent imprint in the mother’s tissues, bones, brain, and skin. Even if a pregnancy doesn’t go to full term or if the mother has an abortion, these cells still migrate into her bloodstream. There is scientific proof that moms carry a little piece of their children with them forever.
There are also the amazing women who are mothers through adoption, foster care, marriage, or stepping up when a need arises. You are incredible! You are an amazing example of unconditional and sacrificial love. You are such an important figure and you have a huge role.
No matter how you became a mom, God picked you to be the mother to your children and he equipped you to do the job. Isaiah 41:10 says, “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” You’re not alone no matter where you are on the motherhood journey: adoptive mom, birth mom, bonus mom, empty nester mom, foster mom, grieving mom, mom who wishes to reconcile with her child, mother who suffered miscarriage(s), NICU mom, pregnant mom, single mom, stay at home mom, teen mom, woman estranged from her mom, woman longing to become a mom, woman who stepped up to fill the role of a mom, working mom. Big hug to all of you this Mother’s Day. Remember, wherever you are right now, this isn’t the end of your story.
Love,
Redeemed Mama