My Two Year Check Up

I’ve been neglecting my blog for way too long. It’s not because I haven’t had anything to write, it’s because I’ve had too much to write and I guess you could say that I got overwhelmed and didn’t know where to start. But today is the day I have decided to write it all down. Lucky you,  my faithful readers! LOL!

I’ll start with my feelings as I quickly approach the 2 year mark of my divorce being final.  I am not exactly where I want to be emotionally, but I have come a long way. And that is something I need to remind myself of when I am too hard on myself.

I can truthfully say that I am almost to the “Meh” phase when I think about my ex, deal with my ex and look at my ex. I don’t think I will ever like my ex, and I know I will never respect him.  I am at the point that after he opens his mouth and tries to have his every annoying friendly chit chat with me I am reminded about all the reasons I was so miserable in my marriage. I don’t miss a God damn thing about that man and that I can say with 100% honesty. He’s still with fugly and all I can do is laugh at the absurdity of their dysfunctional “relationship.” He has zero friends, isn’t close with his family, and so therefore uses her for company. She thinks he walks on water and is so insecure she will take whatever she can get from him, so she accepts the tiny little kibbles he throws her way. Their relationship actually makes me sick to be honest. Two severely dysfunctional people trying to fill their emotional holes with each other’s insecurity. Chew on that for a few minutes. All I can say is GROSS. She can have his lying, cheating ass for as long as she wants. I am forever done with that POS.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, I reflect on my own self-discovery and on a good day I realize how far I’ve come. I am not even the same woman I was when I was in my marriage. I have stepped outside my comfy box of contentment so many times; it’s actually becoming more of a habit. I started this blog; I am hiking mountains that two years ago would have put me in the hospital from exhaustion. I’m volunteering on a regular basis, where I have met so many new friends. I have a good life. I really do.

And here’s where I get real and really lay it out there. I struggle, and I have struggled a lot lately with my depression. I’ve suffered from this for years off and on and realistically I think it started after my mom died over 30 years ago. But it wasn’t until after I had my daughter that I started taking medication. The medication helps, but that damn black cloud of despair still rears its ugly head from time to time and the past few months that black cloud hasn’t gone away. I think a lot has to do with the weather here. I don’t remember having such a grey and gloomy winter in years. This year has been bad. I had my yearly physical a couple weeks ago and my doc upped the dosage on my happy pills and I started taking vitamin D, which I think is helping. I am starting to see my way out of the fog.

I’m exercising on a regular basis, which is the first time if my life I can say that. I exercise for my mental state now, as much as I want to tone up my body.  I guess you could say that exercise is keeping me sane.

There are days that I miss my dad so much it physically hurts. I cry during random times and even had to leave work early a few weeks ago because I couldn’t stop crying. Grief is funny that way. It sneaks up on you and most times it’s at a moment you didn’t see coming.

I am starting to accept the fact that I’m going to have bad days. I’m going to have days that I don’t want to get out of bed or I want to cry all day because I miss my dad. I can have those days. And I am no longer going to feel guilty when I do.

I also have good days. I will never take those good days for granted. I start each day with a grateful heart and remind myself of all the wonderful things I am so fortunate to have in my life. So many things that we tend to take for granted during our normal, mundane life. I have a roof over my head, I have all of my limbs, I’m healthy, my daughter is healthy, and a really awesome kid to boot. I have friends, a lot of friends that I am eternally grateful for.

Even on those not so good days, I’m eternally grateful to be here breathing and alive to take it all in.

 

 

I Need to Apologize

I need to apologize for something, and I’ll tell you why.  My mother died when I was 12 years old, which was 30 years ago. Since my mom did die so early this means she missed out on a lot of my life. She missed going to the mall to buy me my first bra, she missed being there to experience my first period, she missed attending my high school graduation, she missed my college graduation, she missed my wedding, she missed the birth of her only grandchild, she missed staying with me after I brought my daughter home from the hospital, which is when I really needed her the most. She also missed being there for me during my divorce, which would be the second time I needed her the most.  Those events are the big events.  She missed out on so much more. She missed out on dealing with a moody, angry teenager who would turn into a kind adult that would cherish a friendship with her mother. She missed out on being there when I got my heart crushed by a boyfriend. She missed out on the mundane of my life, the new careers, and funny stories. All of it. My mom has missed every single thing that has happened in my life for the past 30 years!

And this is why, as I got older , when I would hear of someone losing a parent when they were an adult I would get sad but I was also kind of resentful and had the mindset that they should just get over it. At least they had their parent for the graduations, the weddings, the grandchildren. They had their parent for all of it!

Well, now the tables have turned and I lost my father at 43 and I need to apologize. The loss of my father has been devastating, soul crushing and at times unbearable. And you know why? Because he was there to buy my first bra, he was there to buy me pads when I started my period. He was there at my high school graduation, he was there when I graduated with my Bachler’s Degree and many years later he was there when I graduated with my Master’s Degree. He was there for me every single time I needed him. Every single time. He was at my wedding, he was there when my daughter was born, and he was the one that stayed with me the weekend after I brought her home from the hospital. He came to every one of her birthday parties. He was there for me when I was getting a divorce. And now he will never be there again. And this is what’s unbearable.

I get it; I get it why it’s so sad and horrible to lose your parent as an adult. It’s because they were there to experience it all. Your parent, the person who has known you the longest was there for every milestone you ever had.  Sometimes in life one fully doesn’t grasp something until one experiences it.  That is true for me in many instances, but especially true when it comes to the loss of a parent. It’s never easy, I always knew that. But, for some strange reason I didn’t think it would be as hard to lose a parent as an adult. I thought losing a parent as a child would be the most soul crushing loss one can experience. I am here to tell you that it’s not. It’s not easy, not by any means. But it’s as if you’re comparing apples and oranges. One loss isn’t harder than the other. When my Dad died suddenly after a short illness, instead of being able to grieve I had to work on his obituary and schedule a Celebration of Life. I had to go through pictures and create a slide show, I had to order food for his Celebration of Life.  I had to figure out what  decorations to put on the tables, what belongings to place on the viewing tables. This is not something I wanted to do while I was in shock and such sorrow after losing my dad. What I wanted to do was crawl into bed and not get out for days.  I wanted to curse and scream and ask why my dad, who was the most amazing, positive person you could ever meet, had to die 2 days after his 69th birthday.

When my mom died when I was a child, I didn’t have to worry about the obituary, the service or the food that would be served there. I had to worry about how I would manage without such a prominent figure and role model, while I entered what could be some of the most difficult years of my life, even with both of your parents alive and well.

There is no comparison, absolutely none.

They both hurt like a mother fucker.

A letter to my ex

Yesterday I found out that my ex-husband knows about my blog, which shouldn’t surprise me since it’s out there on the internet for everyone to read. I just wonder how he found out. I have never revealed my real name, I use pseudonyms for him and my daughter and both he and his girlfriend are blocked from my Facebook page. Regardless, he knows and I’m sure he and his girlfriend get a kick out of my vulnerability and shortcomings as they sit in their dysfunction not trying one ounce to better themselves.

What really pisses me off is that my ex said that he hopes our daughter; Anna (not her real name) never reads my blogs when she’s old enough. And why is that I wonder? Is he afraid she will finally figure out that her dad is a sick fuck who only cares about himself and getting his dick wet?

Here’s what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid that my daughter will find out that her dad, who she loves dearly decided that when he and I were having problems instead of working on our marriage, he chose to find a mistress on a website that catered to married people looking to have an affair.

Once her father found a mistress, he  did nothing when she  created a fake Facebook account so she could send me a message telling me “anonymously” that my husband was having an affair. Naively, I didn’t believe this person because my husband had me so fooled that he was a good man, a man with integrity that would never do that sort of thing. I was so scared I thought I had a stalker that I even filed a police report! I bought mace and a Taser the next day I was so scared. What did my ex do while I was freaking out? Absolutely NOTHING!!!!

I wonder what my daughter will think about her father when she finds out that his mistress would come to our family home while I was at work or out of town and they would fuck in our bed. What will my daughter think when she finds out his mistress stole one of our family photos from our family vacation to Hawaii? What will she think when she finds out that his mistress was able to randomly call myself and my ex within minutes of each other, but there would be no one on the line when I answered? Her and my ex must have schemed a system so they could talk to one another if I wasn’t home. What will my daughter think when his mistress would text both he and I from a fake number with some bullshit line like “Hey You” or would text my ex that I was cheating on him, and he would text back because he was “bored?”

What will my daughter think when she finds out that he would meet his mistress at a park with her daughter so that they could play all while he was still married to me?

What will my daughter think when I tell her that my divorce attorney advised that her father get a restraining order against his mistress because she was such a nut job? But instead of doing so, he continued the relationship.

What will my daughter think when she knows that I did all I could to keep that psycho away from her. I was able to do it for 9 months after our separation. I wish it could have been forever.

If my daughter wants to read my blogs when she’s old enough she can read that I was hurt, I was scared and I was vulnerable. I am also human. I may have made some mistakes, but I did everything I could to better myself and make sure that my daughter knew one thing had never changed. I love her more than anybody I have ever loved in my life. That is a constant no matter how mucky our life got or how pissed off I was with her dad.

My daughter will know that I never ever have said a negative word about her father in front of her. When she called me to let me know what his girlfriend gave her for Christmas, I cheerfully told her how cool it was. When she and I went somewhere fun or she wanted to share something with her dad it was me who asked her if she wanted to call him. If it had been a few days since she had spoken to him it is me who asked her if she wants to talk to him and hand her my phone.

So, Brad (not his real name) I have no problem with our daughter reading my blog. She will know that her mother is human, real, and vulnerable and took a chance to do something that helped her heal in what has been one of the most painful times in her life.

 

 

Why do we always have the Zsa Zsa for the wrong Men?

I am a huge Sex in the City fan, so much so that as a newly single divorcee, I am watching the entire season as part of my therapy. As silly as this sounds, I always feel better after watching an episode. I either feel like I just hung out with 4 of my best friends or some plot line from the show reminds me of my girlfriends and I somehow. One show I recently watched was when Carrie first meets Burger and she’s talking to the girls about the “Zsa Zsa Zoo” You know the butterflies in your stomach, the heart racing, that person is always forefront on your mind and you find yourself continually thinking about this person.The Zsa Zsa will also make a semi normal women go crazy. It’s as if all rational thinking goes out the window with the Zsa Zsa. Why? I don’t know.
I have yet to meet one women who has found the Zsa Zsa with the right man. I had it for a man I met when I was 24. It was love at first sight. I still remember the blue blazer he was wearing the night I saw him at the dive bar I used to frequent. I was young, naive and I fell HARD for this man. I thought at my wise age of 24, that this was what real, true love really is. I found him! Well… life didn’t agree with me. We did date for about 3 years, in fact I moved in with him after only knowing him for 3 months. He ended up being a liar and a cheat, and he broke my heart into a million little pieces. I was so distraught after I found out he had been having an affair that my friend had to bring over a couple xanex so I could actually sleep. I didn’t eat for weeks, was sleeping like shit and all I could think about was him. Why did he do this? Didn’t he feel that powerful connection I did? Apparently not. It took me FIVE years to finally get over this man.

One of my best friends had the Zsa Zsa so bad for a guy she would literrally walk around downtown Seattle peaking in windows of places she knew he would frequently go. This was not normal behavior for her, but then this man brought out the “crazy” in her. I believe as women we all have a little crazy in us, but sometimes the crazy seems to elevate at an almost scary level, especially when there’s Zsa Zsa.

Since my separation and divorce I have dabbled in online dating. I met a man on match a few months ago. We seemed to really hit it off and I felt like we had good chemistry. We went out about 10 times, slept together a few times and I thought that this may actually turn into something. I didn’t think or know if I was actually ready to settle down again so soon, but when you’ve got the Zsa Zsa, you’ve got the Zsa Zsa. What started off so hot and so fast,  fizzled in just about the same amount of time . Although here I was a 42 year old single mother feeling the Zsa Zsa for a man I barely knew. WTH?? I thought about this man constantly, always wondering what he was doing, when he would text me next, always hoping that he would want to see me, when in reality he just wasn’t that into me, yet here I was acting like a naive 17 year old girl! Ugh! I was so mad at myself, but what in the heck can a woman do when the Zsa Zsa is there? Not to mention our sex kept getting hotter and hotter and as many married folks know, married sex isn’t that great! At least my married sex wasn’t. In fact, the last few years of my marriage I never wanted to even have sex with my husband. I thought that since I was in my 40’s that I had just lost my sex drive. But no, once I tested that waters after my divorce and did have sex with another man, I realized that I just didn’t want to fuck my husband. My sex drive was back in full force and I was ready for more!

But that would not be happening, unfortunately. My new found “friend” exhibited a few red flags that I ignored. Classic narcissistic behavior; he was selfish, boasted about all of his accomplishments, talked a lot about himself and always blamed everyone else for their misdoings, especially his ex wife who he was with for 21 years. I would love to have a 10 minutes conversation with her. But yes, of course I felt the Zsa Zsa. I am happy to say that I am finally over this guy and at least it won’t take me 5 years like the last guy.

Now let’s hope the next guy I feel the Zsa Zsa for is the RIGHT guy. Is that too much to ask?