Recently someone described me as “peaceful.” I was so surprised by that description. I wouldn’t normally call myself a peaceful person so it got me thinking – what was it about me that was coming across as peaceful?
The past couple years have been chaotic and full of unknown. Moving, different opportunities, and court to name a few. My whole life completely changed in a one year period. Add to that the pandemic and all of the tension that’s been going on; peaceful is not the term I would use to describe any of that.
I was in complete turmoil the day I walked into Planned Parenthood to get the abortion pill. Turmoil like I have never experienced before in my life. That moment was a fork in the road for me – I could either go forward with my plan to have an abortion and keep my secret or I could tell my family and have my baby. Either way, life would never be the same.
Before court, I was terrified. I was convinced my case wasn’t strong enough. I didn’t know if the judge was going to be sympathetic or not. I didn’t know if things would get worse or better after court. It was beyond my control and it was completely terrifying.
My job ended and then two weeks later, everything shut down due to the pandemic. I had no job and a baby that I needed to provide for. I had savings, but like many, I didn’t know how long they would last. It was an uncertain time.
Each of these moments was full of unknowns. Each of these moments were fork-in-the road moments that would change my life. I had a choice to make in each of these instances – turmoil or peace.
When I finally walked out of Planned Parenthood and called my mom to tell her I was pregnant, I had a wave of peace wash over me. My circumstances didn’t change – in fact, things got significantly worse with Keller immediately after; however, I was still completely filled with peace about my pregnancy. I knew that I had made the right decision after making so many wrong ones. My baby wasn’t a surprise to God. He had his story already written from beginning to end. The chaotic beginning was all part of that story.
The moment I sat down in the courtroom, I had a wave of peace wash over me. I still had to testify in front of the judge, but I felt a feeling of calm as I answered my lawyer’s questions and the questions the judge asked me. I didn’t cry and answered quietly, but very matter-of-factly. It was all over in less than five minutes. The judge said he could tell how afraid I was by my voice, but thankfully, inside I felt steady. I told the truth about what was happening with Keller and finally had peace instead of turmoil.
At the beginning of the pandemic, it was difficult to find a job. Since I didn’t have the time constraints that come with a job, I wanted to use my time wisely. I started volunteering at my local pregnancy center. It was so good to be able to give back and help other women. Volunteering gave me peace that my time being unemployed would not be wasted.
The hymn It Is Well With My Soul written by Horatio Gates Spafford describes peace differently than I had ever thought of before. The lyrics are:
When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul
When I think of peace I don’t normally associate it with a river. So what does “peace like a river mean?” Lisa McKay addresses the question beautifully when she wrote, “I used to think of peace primarily as a stillness – a pause, a silence, a clarity – but that sort of peace is not the peace of rivers. There is a majestic, hushed sort of calm to rivers, but they are not silent and they are certainly not still – even the most placid of rivers is going somewhere…I’ve stopped expecting peace to look like the pristine silence that follows a midnight snowfall. I’m coming to appreciate a different sort of peace instead – a peace that pushes forward, rich with mud, swelling and splashing and alive with the music of water meeting rock.” (McKay, “Peace Like a River,” rachelheldevans.com)
The peace that washed over me in each of those moments was peace like a river – moving, but with a calming effect. My circumstances didn’t change in any of these moments. I wasn’t magically transported out of the difficult situations, I still had to go through them. Life was still happening and I had to navigate it. Philippians 4:6 says, “And the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” The peace I experienced in those moments is difficult to describe because it was peace from the Lord, not peace I could create of my own volition.
That is the peace that people have been seeing. It comes from continuing to trust that even though things are beyond my control, God is in control and He has my best interest at heart. Isaiah 26:3 says, “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.”
Love,
Redeemed Mama