This past year I worked really hard on changing my mindset. I knew my negative self-talk and negative thoughts were hurting me. But I had no idea just how life-draining allowing myself to engage in negative thoughts had become.
It was super simple for my thoughts to quickly enter into a downward spiral. When I didn’t hear back or received a rejection from a job, my mind would immediately shout, “I’m not good enough.” “Failure” and “disappointment” were labels I put on myself nearly every day.
I had a hard time sleeping. I would wake up most nights and be awake for hours. My mind would loop through ways I wasn’t good enough or how my life was a disaster. I couldn’t make the negative thoughts stop. Each time I had one of those negative thoughts it cemented itself further into my brain.
I was constantly punishing myself for what I did wrong. I showed myself no mercy and no grace. Only consequences. Of course I’m 32 and not married. Who would want to marry an unemployed, 32 year old, single mom? No one. I decided to have premarital sex so the consequence of my actions is I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life.
I blamed myself for what happened. If I had only ended things when I noticed the red flags. If I had only had more self control. I never wanted to be defined by what happened. I don’t like the term “Victim” for that reason – it defines a person and they’re forever associated with that event. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want any pity. Pity should be reserved for people who didn’t do anything wrong. I could point to countless mistakes I had made. Now I was having to endure the consequences of my actions.
With each of these thoughts the life was getting sucked out of me a little bit more.
I went to a woman’s conference my church put on in December. The Pastor spoke on Ezekiel 37. In this passage, Ezekiel is in a valley of dried bones. The Lord tells him to prophesize to the dried bones and the Lord promises to breathe life back into them. Ezekiel does as the Lord commands him to and the dried bones begin to rattle as Ezekiel speaks God’s Word over them. The bones soon come together, flesh covers the bones, and life is breathed back into them. They then stand as an army. The Lord then says, “I will put My Spirit in you and you will live.” The bones had dried up when the people had no hope, but the Lord restored them for His glory.
I realized that with each negative thought, my bones were drying. Each time I focused on the negative, I was becoming more hopeless. I had to make a change, but I didn’t really know how.
I received an email containing my Bloom Word from Embrace Grace Inc. A Bloom Word is a hand-picked word of encouragement that the Embrace Grace Inc team prays over before sending it out to a specific person. The word they sent me was “Life.” The blurb that accompanied the word said, “The power of death has been conquered, it no longer has a hold on you. . . You are not subject to the lies that would try and bind up progress. . . Life abundantly is springing up in you. . . Breathe in the Holy Spirit and let his strength fill your soul.”
It was so similar to Ezekiel 37 – the Lord breathing life into the dried bones. I knew I had been given a second chance and I needed to make the most of it. I needed to start living my life. Feeling sorry for myself and punishing myself was only keeping me in bondage.
In John 10:10, Jesus says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”
So as I start the new year, I am going to live my life. I’m not going to let fear, self-doubt, or the lies I have come to believe about myself keep me in bondage anymore. I’m going to continue to share my story to bring God glory. I am going to take chances. I am going to embrace the painful parts of healing. I am going to let God use me however He sees fit. I’ll reevaluate next year and be able to see where embracing life gets me – it has to be better than remaining as a pile of dried bones.
Love,
Redeemed Mama
“Rattle!” by Elevation Worship
“Come Alive (Dried Bones)” by Lauren Daigle
“Bones” by Hillsong United