I was in agony for two days after I found out I was pregnant. The idea of telling my parents I was pregnant literally made me sick. I was devastated that I had let them down. I was convinced they would never forgive me. I was worried my family wouldn’t recognize the baby as part of the family. I was convinced people would judge my parents for my actions. My Dad was a former pastor and now his daughter was pregnant out of wedlock. Scandalous! It would bring shame to our family. I had to protect my parents from the shame I already felt.
I decided I would have an abortion and my parents would never find out about the pregnancy. I was making decisions based on fear. My fear caused my decisions to be very short-sighted and rash. I never considered how I would feel after the abortion. I wasn’t thinking about how my parents would react if they found out about the abortion. I was trying to justifiy my decision to have an abortion based on how I imagined my parents and other people would respond.
I can’t honestly say why I thought this was how people would react. I’d messed up in the past and my family had forgiven me. But this time I really messed up. What if this time was unforgivable?
My friend, Grace, drove me to Planned Parenthood. On the way there, I told Grace that if Planned Parenthood did not have the abortion pill we would leave. That would be my sign to keep the baby. I burst into tears the moment I walked through the door of the clinic. I was crying so hard the staff ushered us into a room immediately. I couldn’t even say my name when they asked. Grace explained that I was there for the abortion pill. The staff left the room and came back a few minutes later. They told us they did not have the abortion pill at that clinic, but not to worry because they were actively searching for a nearby clinic that had the pill. The minutes clicked by as we sat there waiting. There wasn’t an abortion provider in a three hour radius that had the abortion pill. That was it. I got out of there as fast as I could.
I called my mom from the Planned Parenthood parking lot. My mom could tell something was wrong the moment she answered the phone. Sobbing, I choked out that I was pregnant and waited for her response. I built up this whole thing in my head about her being angry with me, but instead she said, “It’s okay. We’re going to get through this.” A wave of peace washed over me as soon as I told my Mom. The circumstances didn’t change, but I knew I wasn’t going to have to go through all of this alone.
I didn’t tell my Mom where I was calling from. I felt guilty for even considering having an aboriton. I wanted to keep that whole part of the story a secret. How would people respond when they found out I almost had an abortion? Another veil of shame came over me.
Everyone responded differently to the news of my pregnancy. My Dad was quiet. My roommate, Brooke, started looking at baby stuff for our DC apartment. My sister, DeAnne, was happy to be an Aunt again. My sister, Nicole, was the first person to tell me congratulations. That really stood out to me. “Congratulations!” For the first time I had joy for this baby and what was to come. Overall, the responses were good. No one condemned me like I thought they would. However, there was one response that I never could have prepared myself for.
I don’t share what happened next to make Keller look bad. I need to be honest about what occurred though. I didn’t realize what occurred next was abuse. It didn’t look the way I imagined domestic violence and domestic abuse would look. Hopefully, sharing my story will help someone before it’s too late.
I told Keller that I was on my way to Planned Parenthood to take the abortion pill. He was relieved. So when I called him and let him know that I didn’t go through with the abortion and instead decided to keep the baby, he was furious. Our phone conversation went on for over five hours. He told me I tricked him into getting pregnant. He told me I ruined his life. He told me he would never recognize the baby as his. He said he would shove me down some stairs next time he saw me so I would have a miscarriage. I tried to reason with him and tell him what actually happened. I told him I wouldn’t force him to be involved, but that I would like him to be. I looked up local places that offered support for fathers. He wasn’t having any of it. He was getting more and more upset with each thing I tried to say to help. Keller told me he took a handful of pills and was going to end his life. Talk about a completely different response than I received from my Mom.
The way people respond when they learn we’ve messed up makes a difference. I didn’t need to hear that I had messed up. I already knew that. I didn’t need to be humiliated, belittled, or condemned. I felt all of those things already. I needed to be told we would figure it out together. I needed to be told I was still loved. If there is someone in your life who comes to you for support, be there for them. You don’t need to have all of the answers. They just need to feel like they’re not alone. Ephesians 4:32 says “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Jesus provided the perfect response when a woman caught in adultery was brought before him by the religious leaders of the day. The law required the woman be stoned to death for her actions. Jesus responded, “let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” One by one the religious leaders left. Jesus did not condemn the woman. He didn’t break out a list of everything she’d ever done wrong. Instead, he forgave her and told her to “go and sin no more.” No matter how much you and I have messed up, we are never beyond forgiveness from Jesus.
Love,
Redeemed Mama