If I had recognized the early warning signs as red flags in my relationship with Keller, maybe it would have made a difference. It wasn’t until after I told Keller I was keeping the baby that the real abuse started, but there were so many warning signs that our relationship was toxic way before that. As time went on, it became harder and harder to get out because I had ignored the early red flags.
It wasn’t until I was in the middle of everything that I realized I had no idea what domestic violence really was. To me, domestic violence was only physical or sexual violence – hitting, punching, kicking, rape – you know, the big stuff. I had no idea what Keller was saying to me was domestic violence. After all, they were only words. There was no physical violence done to me. I had no idea there were multiple different forms of abuse that all fall under the umbrella of “domestic violence.” It was hard for me to recognize and identify what was happening since it didn’t fit my understanding of domestic violence.
So what is domestic violence? According to The National Domestic Violence Hotline, domestic violence is “a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.” It can also be called domestic abuse, relationship abuse, or intimate partner violence (IPV).
Let me set the record straight on a few things. Domestic violence does not discriminate. Anyone can be a victim, or a perpetrator, of domestic violence. Domestic violence can occur in dating relationships, marriages, and even parent child relationships. Often, many forms of abuse are occurring at the same time. However, it is still considered abuse even if you experience only one or two of these abusive behaviors. All abuse is serious! It does not only have to be life threatening to be considered serious abuse. No one deserves to experience abuse of any kind, for any reason.
According to The National Domestic Violence Hotline, there are multiple different forms of abusive behaviors that make up domestic violence including:
Physical Abuse
- pulling hair, punching, slapping, kicking, biting, or choking
- abandoning you in unfamiliar places
- driving recklessly when you are in the car with them
Sexual Abuse or Sexual Coercion
- forcing or being manipulated into having sex or performing sexual acts
- ignoring your feelings regarding sex
- playing on the fact that you’re in a relationship by saying things such as: “Sex is the way to prove you love me.”
Emotional Abuse
- name calling, insulting, or continually criticizing you
- isolating you from friends or family
- monitoring where you go, who you’re with, and how you spend your time
Financial Abuse
- giving an allowance and monitoring how you spend it
- preventing you from having access to a bank account
- maxing out credit cards in your name or refusing to pay bills in your name
Digital Abuse
- sending negative, insulting, or threatening emails, social media messages, or texts
- looking through your phone, pictures, or social media messages to monitor what you’re doing
- constantly texting you so you feel like you cannot be separated from your phone out of fear of punishment
This is not an exhaustive list. If you think you are experiencing abuse or would like to learn more about the different kinds of abusive behaviors, check out The National Domestic Violence Hotline, Speak Your Truth, or Called To Peace Ministries.
It’s one thing to know what domestic violence is, but it’s another thing to recognize when abuse is occurring in your own relationship. Even now, as I am reading over the examples of the different kinds of abuse to write this blog post, I’m realizing my relationship with Keller was more toxic and abusive than I realized. Some of those behaviors listed above are easy to recognize as abusive. However, relationships don’t usually start out with obvious abuse like that. It often begins slowly.
With Keller, there were red flags in our relationship way before I got pregnant. He was charming, attractive, and we had fun being together so I let them slide. Some of the things were covert enough that I justified them and even took responsibility for them.
So what are the early signs of abuse in relationships? Some of these might surprise you. A lot of these showed up early on in my relationship with Keller and I had no idea they were signs of the abuse to come. According to Speak Your Truth, the red flags to be on the lookout for early on in your relationship include:
Love Bombing: when your partner becomes enthralled with you at the beginning of the relationship. Your partner showers you with compliments, gifts, flowers, etc and makes you the center of their attention. The relationship seems like a fairy tale.
Making A Big Commitment Early On: very early on in your relationship, your partner says things like, “I have never felt like this before” or “I want to be with you for the rest of my life.”
Family History of Abuse: your partner says he experienced abuse growing up, but it wasn’t his fault. He doesn’t want to be like his abusive parents.
Victim Mentality: Your partner thinks the world is against him, he always has bad luck, or always has an explanation for what goes wrong and it’s never his fault.
Gaslighting: your partner manipulates you into questioning your own sanity. Your partner says stuff like, “You’re overeating, it didn’t happen that way” or “I never said that!” Your partner does not validate your feelings especially when you’re feeling hurt.
Displays of Aggression: your partner has small outbursts of aggression, even if seemingly insignificant like slamming a door too hard or getting frustrated easily.
Swearing/Name Calling: directing swearing towards you when something goes wrong.
Let me share one example of what happened early on in our relationship:
I was driving with Keller in my car. I wasn’t familiar with the area and he was giving me directions. The stoplight turned yellow and I stopped instead of speeding up to get through the intersection before the light turned red. A lot of the intersections in that area had cameras and I didn’t want to get a ticket for running the red light.
Keller started screaming that I would make him late and that I was a horrible driver because I stopped at the yellow light.
I was taken aback by his reaction and told him it wasn’t appropriate for him to speak to me that way.
He said I was overreacting because he didn’t actually yell at me and he was just worried about being late.
I was confused, how did we both have such different interpretations of what just happened? But instead of recognizing all the red flags, I justified his behavior – he must be nervous and really doesn’t want to be late – and I took responsibility for making him upset – I need to drive more aggressively so he can’t blame me for being late.
Keller showed me 4 red flags in the car that day:
- victim mentality: his outburst wasn’t his fault
- gaslighting: he told me I was overreacting for being upset by his outburst
- displays of aggression: he got extremely frustrated over me not running a red light and risking getting a ticket
- swearing/name calling: he swore at me in his rant and made me feel like an idiot
When I look back at the beginning of our relationship, I realize that every single one of those early relationship red flags was there. They weren’t covert, they were glaring at me, and I ignored them. You don’t have to know all of the correct terms for abuse to realize something isn’t right. However, it can be difficult to see when you’re starting a new relationship or even in the middle of one. It’s so important to know what abuse is and what it looks like so that you can recognize it before it’s too late.
How did I let this go on? Why didn’t I run away from this relationship at the beginning? Didn’t I have enough self-respect to not let someone treat me like that? Why did I justify his behavior?
I’m still working through the answers to some of those questions. But one answer is, I wanted to be in a relationship. So if a relationship came with some rough patches to work through at the beginning so be it. I also wanted to save Keller. He had a difficult past and I wanted to show him he was worthy of love. The ironic part is I wanted to show Keller true love while accepting false “love” in return. I’ve also come to realize that the type of “love” I received from Keller was the type of love I thought I deserved. I had messed up in my past and felt like damaged goods. So of course love for me wouldn’t look like it does for everyone else.
The Bible provides the best example of love in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
No matter what we’ve done, or had done to us, God loves us. He is a good God. He does not want us to suffer. God loves us all so much that he sent His Son, Jesus, to die on a cross for our sins so that one day, we can be with Him in Heaven. That is love!
You are worthy of love. Don’t settle for anything less.
Love,
Redeemed Mama
Resources:
If you are experiencing domestic violence call 911.
Am I In A Healthy Relationship?
Websites with helpful information