It can be very embarrassing to share my story on this blog. I’ve dealt with shame because I feel like I should have done things differently and not allowed the abuse to happen in the first place. It’s hard to talk about the pain and heartache that I brought on myself. It’s equally as hard to talk about the pain and heartache that someone else caused for me. I tried so hard to keep what was happening with Keller a secret. It’s hard reflecting on those terrible times week after week. Yet, here I am.
Working on this blog requires writing late into the night and on the weekends. It can be difficult to think of different topics. It’s hard sometimes to be honest about what happened or how I felt when I know it won’t portray myself and/or other people in the best light. I don’t like admitting my weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and my faults. Yet, here I am.
I know people in my past, present, and future will be able to read these blog entries. I can’t control who reads this blog and I know it has been read by people I would never want to read it. I know this blog may get used against me at some point. Yet, here I am.
I’m sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly because I think that’s what makes it relatable. For me, it was so helpful to hear from people who were still in the middle of their story. I didn’t want to hear, “Everything will be ok.” when it didn’t feel like anything would ever be ok again. I think there is a beauty that comes from sharing your story before it has an ending.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s all worth it. However, then I get messages like these ones below and I am reminded of why I started this blog in the first place:
“I recently stopped a very unhealthy relationship in the early stage. Reading your latest blog post really helped me stick to it.”
“I just wanted to share how much your blog means to me right now. I am dealing with an abusive situation . . . it’s encouraging seeing I’m not the only one who has had these thoughts of guilt, or feeling like it wasn’t a bad enough situation to get out because he hadn’t physically hurt me.”
“I found you on the abortion pill reversal hashtag. I’m actually going through the process right now! What was your experience?”
“Did everything turn out okay with your single umbilical artery baby? I’m in the same boat with our third and freaking out.”
“My friend has been telling me about her verbally abusive relationship so I sent her your blog. People have been telling her this isn’t a healthy relationship for 2 years. It wasn’t until she read your blog #16 and called me in tears saying that was word for word what has been said to her and how she just felt like she could rescue him. I’m hopeful she will start to see what others have been seeing.”
I made God a promise that I would share my story. This blog is part of my obedience in fulfilling that promise. My prayer is that God would use my experiences to help other people. If I can help even one person, then it has all been worth it.
Not only has sharing my story helped other people, it has also been incredibly healing for me to share my story. The shame and guilt I had felt before have slowly melted away. You see, when I was keeping the abuse and my attempted abortion a secret, shame and guilt had complete control over my life. As I have shared my story, those bonds of shame and guilt have been broken. I am no longer living in the shadows, but have exposed my secrets and asked for forgiveness. Pat Layton Founder and President of Surrendering the Secret said, “If you can’t share your story, you aren’t truly free.” I truly believe that statement because I am experiencing it firsthand.
“But Jesus said, “Go home to your family, and tell them everything the Lord has done for you and how merciful He has been.” – Mark 5:19
I encourage you to tell your story. You never know who might be impacted by your experiences. Plus, you might just find some healing for yourself in the process.
Love,
Redeemed Mama
“My Testimony” by Elevation Worship