After I told Keller I was keeping our baby, we got into a huge fight on the phone. During that conversation, Keller told me he was committing suicide. I felt trapped. He was screaming at me so I didn’t want to continue the conversation, but how could I hang up the phone knowing he was suicidal? How would I ever live with myself if he ended his life? Would I have to tell our child that his father killed himself? How would Keller’s family react? They didn’t even know about me or the baby.
(If you or someone you love is suicidal, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.)
I thought if I could keep Keller talking, I could figure out where he was and send help. However, me trying to talk to him was only making things escalate. I told him he didn’t have to be involved with the baby and me if he didn’t want to. That made him angry. I told him there were fatherhood programs at pregnancy centers and that they would talk to him and help him work through receiving the news about my unplanned pregnancy. That made him furious. I told him I didn’t want him to kill himself. That made him irate. Even though the conversation was going in circles and was getting progressively worse and worse, I couldn’t hang up the phone.
I was on the phone with Keller for many hours. Finally, my friend Grace came into the room, heard Keller screaming at me, took my phone out of my hand, and hung up on Keller. Grace blocked Keller’s phone number and blocked him on all forms of social media before she handed me back my phone. I was torn inside. On one hand I was relieved the conversation was finally over because I was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. On the other hand, I was terrified that I had abandoned Keller in his time of need. I went to bed not knowing if he was alive or dead. What if that was the last time we ever spoke?
I found out Keller did not kill himself the next morning. He began to call and text me using different numbers since his number was blocked. Not realizing what was going on at first, I answered the phone. Keller proceeded to launch into the exact same fight we had the night before. This conversation was going nowhere. I didn’t want it to continue to escalate like it had the night before. I told Keller I had made up my mind on keeping the baby. I told Keller he needed to talk to someone – a friend, a family member, a counselor, the pregnancy center, the suicide hotline, anyone. I told him I would not continue to have the same conversation with him over and over. I told him to not call me until he figured out what he wanted to do. I hung up the phone and began blocking all of the numbers he tried to call me from. I had to set up boundaries for my own sanity. I had my own issues to deal with, mainly telling the rest of my family, and did not have the capacity to take care of him as well.
I always thought boundaries were about setting up all of these rules and regulations for someone else to follow if they wanted to be in my life. I viewed boundaries as being cruel and harsh. However, I’ve learned that boundaries are not about my relationship with other people, but are in fact about my relationship with myself (Love Is Respect). Boundaries help me honor my needs, goals, feelings, and values by determining what I’m comfortable with and how I want to be treated. Creating boundaries establishes guidelines for how I want other people to behave around me. Boundaries are essential to any kind of relationship – whether that be with a friend, family member, partner, or anyone else in my life. Setting boundaries ensures that my relationships can be mutually appropriate, caring, and respectful.
The whole situation with Keller escalated so quickly and had me so frazzled. Any boundaries I had got bulldozed and I needed to put them back up. So what behaviors was I willing to tolerate and what would I not tolerate? I needed to figure that out and fast.
There are physical boundaries and emotional boundaries. Physical boundaries include one’s body, privacy, and physical space. Those are generally easier to determine. I set up a physical boundary with Keller when I told him to stop contacting me. Emotional boundaries are more difficult to define. Emotional boundaries include separating one’s feelings from someone else’s feelings. By blaming me and the baby for all of his problems, Keller was violating my emotional boundaries. The problem was, I didn’t know how to set up and enforce emotional boundaries for my relationship with Keller.
Love Is Respect offers some great questions to help determine what your physical and emotional boundaries are. They suggest that you start by paying attention to how you feel about and react to situations around you – whether in real life or in shows/movies you watch.
- What makes you feel uncomfortable?
- What’s important to you?
- What do you want to keep private?
- Is there a type of behavior or trait that you would consider a dealbreaker?
I want to quickly point out a few more things about boundaries. The key to boundaries is communicating what they are. It’s difficult for boundaries to be respected if no one knows what they are. If you are afraid to communicate your boundaries, that could be a warning sign that you may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. There are also healthy boundaries and unhealthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries help to protect and respect you. Unhealthy boundaries seek to control or harm you. Here are some examples of healthy vs. unhealthy boundaries.
I created my boundaries for my relationship with Keller.
- I decided that I was not going to allow Keller to scream at me.
- I was not going to let him blame me for all of his problems.
I came up with how I would handle the situation if my boundaries were violated
- I would hang up the phone.
- If he continued to contact me, I would block his phone number.
I probably should have put up more boundaries, but I needed to start somewhere. I communicated my boundaries and the consequences for violating them to Keller. Now began the hard part, enforcing the boundaries I created. I would remind Keller that I would hang up on him when he screamed at me. He would tell me I was overreacting and being too sensitive. I told him he was responsible for his own reactions. He blamed me for intentionally doing or saying things to make him angry. I would hang up the phone when the conversation was going badly. He would call me continuously until I picked up the phone again. I would block Keller when he continued to contact me after I told him I needed space. He would accuse me of abandoning him in his time of distress. This cycle continued over and over.
What made matters worse was I didn’t always stick to my own boundaries. I reached out to Keller when I needed him or when I felt sorry for him. I wanted to prove to him that I wasn’t the mean, horrible person he was telling me I was. So I would answer the phone and talk to him even though I told him I needed space. Everytime I violated my own boundary and either contacted Keller or allowed him to contact me, things would escalate and get worse. He made more suicide attempts and I knew it was only a matter of time until he was successful in one of his attempts even if it were by accident.
When I moved to California, I told Keller I would no longer be responding to any attempt of his to contact me. It was the longest time I had gone without responding to him. It was incredibly difficult, but I stayed strong and did not contact him.
When my son, Gideon, was born, I did not want to be accused of keeping his birth a secret from Keller. I decided to send him an email stating that Gideon had been born and I included a picture. A week after Gideon was born, Keller had been begging me for more pictures and information about Gideon. I caved. I sent him a picture and included a short description about how Gideon was doing. I will never forget Keller’s response. He didn’t say a word about Gideon. He instead told me that he wanted to see a recent picture since the picture I sent him had been taken a few days prior. I was terrified and heartbroken. Keller did not know where I was in California and I wanted to keep it that way. I was terrified because somehow he was able to determine the date from the picture I sent. I quickly realized that he didn’t really want to see pictures of the baby. He wanted information. If he could determine the date a picture was taken, it would not be difficult to determine where a photo was taken. I could not put Gideon, myself, and my family in danger like that. That was the last time I ever contacted Keller.
If I could go back, I would do things differently. Keller accused me of hating him because I wouldn’t speak to him. I tolerated so much more heartache and abuse that I needed to because I was worried that enforcing my boundaries would prove Keller right in thinking that I hated him. I didn’t hate him. I still don’t hate him. I was trying to protect him. I was trying to protect him from the pain of us not being together. I was also trying to protect him from himself. Oftentimes when we talked, it would end with him getting very upset and threatening to hurt himself. I didn’t want him to hurt himself. I also worried that maybe I was being too hard on him and I was forcing him closer and closer to the edge. Maybe I really was the monster he was accusing me of being. However, continuing to interact with Keller was destroying me. I was becoming a shell of a person. I couldn’t keep allowing that to happen. I had to be there for Gideon.
In his last email to me, Keller told me he wanted to move on with his life. There are times when I wish I could reach out to him. Those feelings are especially strong when Gideon has met a big milestone like taking his first steps, because I want to share that moment with him. However, I can’t violate Keller’s boundaries and insist that he keeps mine. Respecting boundaries goes both ways.
When to Walk Away says, “stepping away from a toxic person doesn’t mean that you hate them or don’t care about them. It just means you choose to not interact with them.” What a freeing realization! I’ve learned that boundaries are not cruel. Sometimes people have to face the full weight of the consequences of their choices. By continuing to allow my boundaries to be violated, I was enabling Keller’s toxic behavior. Proverbs 19:19 says, “A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty; rescue them, and you will have to do it again.” I had to have a boundary to protect myself so I could be the best mom for Gideon. I couldn’t be Keller’s savior. I was never meant to play that role – only Jesus can save us.
Love,
Redeemed Mama