Fear – that was the emotion I was feeling on November 1, 2018 when I walked into Planned Parenthood. In fact, I had been living in fear in the form of: incredible anxiety, nausea, lack of appetite, and restlessness (not being able to sleep, not being able to concentrate on work, not being able to stop my overactive mind asking “what if?”, “how?”, “what now?”) ever since I found out I was pregnant 2 days prior. I was afraid my parents would never forgive me for getting pregnant outside of marriage. I gave in to my fear and thought hiding my pregnancy by having an abortion would be the solution to all of these problems.
I told my friend who went with me to Planned Parenthood that day that if the clinic didn’t have the abortion pill, that was the sign I needed to keep my baby. Not only did that Planned Parenthood not have the abortion pill, but there wasn’t a clinic in a 3 hour radius that had it. God had provided my sign! That sign gave me the courage I needed. It was time I stopped giving in to my fear.
I walked, actually it was more like I ran, out of the Planned Parenthood clinic. I knew abortion would no longer be an option if I told my parents. I needed to speak to them right at that moment while I had an ounce of courage to do so. I called my Mom from the parking lot of Planned Parenthood. My heart was pounding so hard in those few moments while the phone was ringing. When my Mom picked up the phone, I broke down crying. She was at work and stepped out so she could talk to me. I managed to get the words, “I’m pregnant.” out. She responded with, “It’s ok. We’re going to get through this.” I was so relieved. A wave of peace washed over me.
What happened next was something only God could orchestrate.
My Mom told me that a few days prior she had received a call from her longtime friend and prayer partner, Julie. Julie tearfully told my Mom that her 19-year-old daughter, Audrey, recently found out she had an unplanned pregnancy. My Mom and Julie talked and prayed together. They prayed for Audrey and her boyfriend, they prayed for Julie and her husband, and they prayed for Audrey’s unborn baby. Julie had volunteered at a crisis pregnancy center for many years and had spoken with many women in Audrey’s situation. She knew what to say, but this time it was personal. Not only did Julie need support for her daughter, Julie needed support for herself as well. My Mom was able to encourage Julie in that moment. Unbenounced to me, Julie sharing about her daughter’s unplanned pregnancy laid the groundwork for my Mom to have a good response when she got the exact same news a few days later.
I had been praying that, if I decided to keep my baby, my family would be supported by other people who had experienced similar situations. People forget that an unplanned pregnancy is difficult for the family as well. The family needs just as much support and encouragement as the woman experiencing the unplanned pregnancy. God used Julie and Audrey to help prepare my Mom for the call that would change her life. God also used their family as an answer to my prayer. My Mom and Julie were able to walk through their daughters’ unplanned pregnancies together. They met regularly over the course of our pregnancies and prayed for us, our unborn children, and the father’s of our babies. Audrey gave birth to her son 2 weeks before I had my son. My Mom and Julie continue to pray together to this day. Julie and Audrey will forever be a part of my story.
Fear was negatively impacting my thinking and decision-making abilities. Fear was causing me to react impulsively and was leading me down a very destructive path. It is important to remember that fear is not from God. In fact, the Bible mentions a form of “fear not” 365 times. That’s a reminder to “fear not” for every day of the year. No matter what the situation is, remember Philippians 4:6 says,
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”
In Matthew 11:28 God says,
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
Fear of how my parents would react to my pregnancy was part of the heavy burden that I was carrying around. I was so anxious about making a decision that I couldn’t sleep. My stomach was all tied up in knots. I was a mess. However, as soon as I told my Mom, I felt peace and I was able to rest. I gave my burden over to God and He provided support for me and my Mom in the form of a friend to walk with us through this difficult situation.
I’ve been working through Stephanie May Wilson’s prayer journal called The Between Places. That journal contains a prewritten Prayer for Peace I absolutely love. It says,
“God, I hand these worries, trouble-spots, and anxieties over to You, remembering that You are God, that I am not, and that I don’t have to carry these things on my own. Please carry them with me, help me with them, and in this area of my life, please fill me with peace.”
My favorite part of that prayer is the reminder that I don’t have to carry these things on my own. God wants to carry all of my burdens, my fears, my anxieties, and my worries. All I have to do is give them over to Him and rest in the knowledge that God’s got this.
Love,
Redeemed Mama