It was the appointment every pregnant woman looks forward to – the 20 week anatomy scan. This is the big ultrasound appointment where you can find out the gender of your baby and you get a whole bunch of adorable pictures of the baby as the doctor takes measurements.
I remember being so excited to hear the baby’s heartbeat and see the baby moving around. A few weeks earlier, I had felt him kick for the first time. My baby bump was just starting to show. It was getting so real.
Brook and Grace went with me to the appointment. The ultrasound tech put the cold gel on my stomach and my baby’s image showed up on the screen. I could not stop smiling as I watched him move. The tech pointed out his hands, feet, and confirmed he was a boy (I had found out earlier from a blood test.) She pointed out things as she measured his head, body, and lungs. Then she got to his heart and for a brief moment, she stopped explaining what things were and got very quiet. I didn’t think much about her change in behavior at the time. She printed out a stack of ultrasound pictures and sent us on our way.
My appointment was on Friday, February 7, 2019. On Saturday night at 11:00 pm, I got a voicemail from the doctor’s office informing me that the doctor had set up a phone appointment with me for Tuesday afternoon. That was it. It didn’t tell me what the appointment was for, but I knew something was wrong. I knew the ultrasound tech must have seen something wrong on the screen, but she wasn’t allowed to tell me. I thought back to the appointment and remembered her getting quiet all of a sudden. My heart sank. Something was wrong with my baby. I couldn’t get any information from the doctor’s office until Monday. My mind began to come up with all kinds of scenarios of what could be wrong.
I called my parents and burst into tears. While they did their best to calm me down, the only person I wanted to talk to was Keller. At this time we hadn’t spoken in over a month. I called Keller and could hardly get the words out because I was crying so hard. He was kind and affirming. He assured me that we would get through this together and that everything would be alright. It was something I had wanted to hear for so long. I believed him and just that quickly, I let him back in to my life. I thought to myself, maybe he was changing. This time he was there for me in my time of need. Maybe I had been too hard on him before. Maybe things would be alright after all.
There are a few reasons people return to abusive relationships:
- We blame ourselves
Women with low self-esteem tend to think abuse is their fault. Abusers use gaslighting to solidify their control and do anything to get their partner back when they feel like their partner might leave them. Women often feel like they are the only one who can change their partner and they feel guilty for abandoning their partner in their time of need.
(Gaslighting is the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and their own sanity.)
I still struggle with believing the abuse was all my fault. I still feel like I abandoned Keller when he needed me. While working with my counselor, I have begun to see the impact of the gaslighting and understand how much control Keller had over my every thought and action.
- We want to have control
Abuse becomes a battle for control. The abusive partner uses abuse to feel in control, but the recipient of the abuse uses the partner’s remorse to feel in control. Control goes back and forth in the cycle of abuse. When the abusive partner feels remorse, it fills the recipient of the abuse with a desire to rescue them and makes the recipient feel special.
When Keller would apologize, he promised he would do anything to get back into my life. I liked having him need me, but I wanted our relationship to me on my terms instead of his. I would put up boundaries for how and when we could communicate. That was my way of taking control of our relationship. Little by little, Keller would violate those boundaries and take control again and the cycle of abuse would start all over.
- We believe they will change
We hold out hope that if we just love them enough, they will change.
I was desperate for Keller to change. I held on to the smallest glimmer of hope that he would because I did not want my baby to be without a father. This was the biggest factor for me in returning to my abusive relationship.
It is extremely difficult to watch someone you care about return to an abusive relationship. Remember that abusive relationships are complex and it’s difficult to leave an abusive relationship for good. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, the average person returns to their abusive relationship 7 times before leaving for good. I encourage you to stay supportive of the person in your life who returns to an abusive relationship and continue to empower them to leave the abuse for good.
I called the doctor’s office first thing on Monday morning. The doctor told me that my baby’s umbilical cord contained a single umbilical artery (SUA). Normally, the umbilical cord has 2 arteries and 1 vein. My baby’s umbilical cord only contained 1 artery and 1 vein. The doctor wanted me to make an appointment to see a Pediatric Cardiologist because sometimes SUA can cause heart and kidney defects. The vein carries oxygen and nutrients to the baby while the arteries remove waste products. Since one of those arteries was missing, it was something the doctor was concerned about and wanted to make sure everything was developing normally. Because of the SUA, I was deemed a high-risk pregnancy and the doctors continued to monitor his development for the remainder of my pregnancy.
The earliest I could get an appointment with the Pediatric Cardiologist was in 2 weeks. There was nothing I could do to help my baby and I felt so helpless. Keller was out of town, but he checked in on me everyday to make sure I was doing alright. Again, I believed he had changed because he was respecting my boundaries and was being so loving towards me. Thankfully, my Mom and sisters were on their way to DC for my babyshower. I decided to call the doctor’s office and see if they had any cancellations while my family would be in town. My hope was that my family could go with me to the appointment. Miraculously, the doctor had an opening for the morning when my Mom and sister arrived. I was so glad to have my family come to the appointment with me. Keller, on the other hand, had an important meeting at work at the same time I was scheduled at the Pediatric Cardiologist. I suggested that he attend the meeting at work and I assured him I would let him know what the doctor said as soon as the appointment was over.
On February 14, 2019, I had my appointment with the Pediatric Cardiologist. I was so nervous and as I walked into the doctor’s office I became hysterical. The doctor assured me multiple times that he did not believe anything was wrong with my baby. He explained that when they find something that is not 100% right developmentally in babies, they run a series of tests to make the baby prove that he is in fact developing normally. I was not convinced. After 2.5 hours of an ultrasound and consultation, the doctor assured me that my baby’s heart was perfect. The doctor answered all of my questions and concerns. I left the doctor’s office feeling so much better.
As promised, I called Keller to let him know how the appointment had gone. However, I was surprised to find that my call had woken him up. I thought to myself, in spite of flying the red-eye home the night before, he was supposed to be at work in the morning at an important meeting. Instead, Keller had skipped his meeting and stayed home to sleep. Inside, I was crushed. I know I told him not to come to the appointment with me, but that was because I didn’t want him to miss his important meeting. I didn’t know he would miss his meeting anyway to sleep. My dreams that things had changed were broken, but I felt like I couldn’t be upset because him not coming to the doctor’s appointment was my idea.
I feel like my baby’s single umbilical artery was foreshadowing of things to come. While I wanted our family to be the 3 of us (Keller, me, and the baby), I started to think things would be fine with the 2 of us (me and the baby). With time, I started to accept God’s promise that He would be there for the baby and me. God loves all of us. God has promised never to leave any of us. God has promised to provide for all of us. God has promised to protect all of us. And you know what, God has come through on each of those promises for me and my son.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 tells us “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
I am learning that when I isolate myself, I am putting myself in danger. Having someone stand with me makes me stronger. However, when I have God as the third cord in my life, life takes on a new purpose and meaning. There is nothing I can ever do that will make God love me any less. I can always return to Him and He will welcome me with open arms.
Love,
Redeemed Mama
After my son was born, my doula saved a small portion of his umbilical cord for me. You can clearly see that there are only 2 cords.
