I came home to California because I was a mess. I needed help mentally and emotionally. I was so beaten down, my own family didn’t recognize me. My Dad described it as though I had been completely taken over by another person. I knew I needed help. I reached out to a friend to see if she knew any Christian counselors. She told me I should reach out to Lauren. Lauren’s voicemail said she was not currently accepting any new patients, but she did have spots available for group therapy. I left my name and number, but I wasn’t feeling overly confident that she would actually be able to see me.
I got back to California on Thursday evening. I had a doctor’s appointment with my new doctor on Friday morning. In addition to completing all of the new patient paperwork, my new doctor asked me to fill out a depression survey. I completed the survey honestly and handed it in. A nurse came and took me back to do my vitals. She made small talk with me and commented that they didn’t normally get new patients so late in their pregnancy. She glanced at my depression survey and said, “Oh. You scored really high on the depression survey.” I responded with, “I know. That’s why I’m here.” The nurse told me they had a counselor on site and asked if I would like to speak to her if she was available. I agreed and was told I could meet with Kathy, the counselor, immediately following my appointment.
I told Kathy everything that was going on – almost having an aboriton, the emotional abuse, leaving DC to have the baby in California. I told her my family was supportive of me, but didn’t understand why I cared what Keller thought or why I was trying so hard to give him opportunities to be in our lives. I admitted I didn’t understand why I was trying so hard to give Keller the opportunity to be involved in our lives either. I told her I wasn’t excited to have a baby under these circumstances. I admitted I was scared my child would not be accepted. It all came out.
We talked about the depression survey. She said it was a new process they were having all of the patients complete and they had only started earlier that week. We talked about my answers. I gave her my advice for ways to ask some of the questions so that other forms of abuse (not just physical abuse) could be addressed.
Kathy could tell that I needed immediate assistance. I was a prime candidate for Postpartum Depression (PPD) since my depression score was so high already and my baby wasn’t even born. Kathy set up appointments for me to see her every week until I was able to get a new therapist.
Lauren called me back later that day. She told me that she just had an opening available for a new patient and that she just started accepting my insurance. Lauren told me in order to get my appointments covered by my insurance, I would have to get Behavioral Health to refer me out so I could see her. We weren’t sure it would be approved, but it was worth a shot.
I went to see Behavioral Health and was seen by the intake counselor. The intake counselor told me there were no appointments available with Behavioral Health therapists until July 2019 (it was May 2019) and they would not refer me out to see Lauren since they had appointments available. I left feeling discouraged. They say PPD is a serious issue that should be addressed right away, but I was told I couldn’t get in to see a counselor for over 3 months.
Over the next few weeks, Kathy helped me a lot with how to handle things before the baby was born. She helped me determine how I would answer when people asked about the baby’s father. We discussed what to do about the birth certificate since I didn’t want to add Keller’s name to it. We talked about the pros and cons of telling Keller the baby was born and how I should go about telling him if I decided to do so. Things were going well and I was beginning to feel a lot better with each passing week.
The therapists at Behavioral Health were planning to go on strike. As a result, each therapist got to choose 2 people to be automatically referred to an out-of-network counselor. Kathy told me she was going to refer me, but one of the other therapists had already selected my name. I was given immediate approval to see Lauren for counseling.
I had my first appointment with Lauren at 38 weeks pregnant. Lauren specialized in trauma therapy and had certifications in pre/post natal mental health trauma. She was exactly the therapist I needed. I set up weekly appointments with her. My son Gideon was born on the day I was supposed to have my second appointment. One week later, my appointment with Lauren was one of Gideon’s first outings. I continue to see her for counseling to this day.
It was so important to me to be open and honest during each counseling session. I knew I would only get out what I put in so I trusted the process. I had a safe space to share the thoughts I was embarrassed to have. I worked through difficult questions and answers. I cried a lot, but each time I left feeling a little lighter. I was prepared for a lot of changes and I tried my best to embrace them.
Counseling is often seen as a weakness, but I think seeking help is a strength. It takes courage to let someone else into the places of our mind we normally keep a secret. It takes bravery to face the person we have become especially if it is someone we don’t recognize.
So much changed for me because I reached out for help. I didn’t hide behind my depression and isolate myself. I spoke to a friend who in turn connected me with a great counselor. I answered the depression survey questions honestly which allowed the nurses to see that I needed help. It was Lauren who referred me to the lawyer I would ultimately hire when I was ready to take Keller to court. So much changed because I had the courage to reach out for help.
When I think of reaching, I think of the image of God and Adam from Michaelangelo’s Sistine Chapel. In this image, God is reaching out for Adam. God is fully extended towards Adam. He even has His finger out for Adam to grasp onto. Yet, Adam is leaning back and his hand is limp.
The two fingers are so close that all Adam has to do is lift his finger and he would be touching the hand of God.
When we need help all we have to do is reach out to God. God wants to help us, we just have to ask. Isaiah 9:6 says that one of God’s names is “Wonderful Counselor.” Reach out to Him and let Him help you.
Love,
Redeemed Mama