Aside from telling my family and a few friends, I kept my pregnancy a secret for the first few months. I didn’t trust myself not to burst into tears when I talked about what was going on. I wasn’t ready for people’s reactions – excitement or pity – for my situation. I didn’t know how to answer follow-up questions. It was all I could do to not break down everyday.
During those few months, I was tempted to pull away and isolate myself. Each time I started to pull away, Grace and Brooke would suggest something to do and they wouldn’t take no for an answer. There were late night Captain Cookie runs, movie nights, and walks. Sometimes they talked with me as I worked through all of the chaos and other times they just sat with me in silence. I’m sure they wanted to tell me how crazy I sounded as I justified what was happening, but they did a good job of letting me come to my own decisions on how to handle the situation. If they would have constantly told me what I should do, I would have pushed them away. I knew what I eventually had to do, but I wasn’t ready to do it. Sometimes you just need someone to listen to you and not try to fix it. I am so thankful they didn’t let me isolate myself, but instead walked with me through those hard times.
I wanted to create something visual that would remind people to pray for me and the baby. I took one of my ultrasound pictures and designed a magnet. I sent a magnet to everyone who knew about my pregnancy. I also sent the magnet to a few of the churches and ministries my family was affiliated with. The magnets encouraged people to check in on me and see how I was doing. I got texts saying people were praying for us throughout the day. That was so encouraging. Those prayers would often come when I was feeling alone and I would be reminded that I wasn’t.
I took a bump picture each week to show the progression of my growing belly. I wasn’t excited about the pregnancy, but I knew one day I would regret not having any pregnancy pictures. My Mom commented that I was never smiling in any of the pictures. She encouraged me to smile when I took them. They were just pictures of my belly in the mirror, but once I started to smile in the pictures, I began to get more excited about having a baby. It was amazing how something so simple helped change my mindset. I started sending the picture to our family group text each week with a little update of how the baby was growing. Those pictures were a good way to keep my family involved in my pregnancy even though they were on the other side of the country.
I finally decided it was time to tell social media. Keeping my pregnancy a secret was only making me get more depressed. I wanted to post about my pregnancy on social media because I realized that other people’s excitement about my pregnancy was helping me get excited about this new chapter of my life. I posted a picture of the ultrasound. I was astounded at the number of people who thanked me for choosing life. Quite a few people reached out to tell me how their mom chose life for them and how proud they were of me. People started saving baby items for me. People told me they were praying for me. I could never have imagined that response. I would often go back and read them when I needed a reminder that I wasn’t alone.
I refused to isolate myself. I went on a cruise with my friends. I participated in the fun and drank mocktails at wine night. I went to concerts and went out dancing. I went to Bible study even when I was tired. Not isolating myself physically was helping me remember that I wasn’t alone in this.
God did not create us to be alone. He designed us to be relational beings who need each other. When God created Adam, Adam was alone and it was the first time God said His creation was not good. God made Adam a companion, Eve. Once Adam and Eve were together He said it was good (Genesis 2). The Bible also says “two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:7-12). We were designed to be in community with God and with each other. When that design falls apart, we feel lonely and isolated.
You think being alone when you feel lonely will help, but it doesn’t. The mental abuse was always so much worse when I isolated myself because my own thoughts could be just as hurtful as what Keller would say to me. I was always focused on what was going on in my life. My thoughts raced around like a marry-go-round that I wanted to get off, but couldn’t. I felt so lonely even when I was surrounded by all of my friends. I felt incredibly alone all the time. It felt like no one understood what I was going through. I could not shake my depression and it got worse each day.
It is dangerous to be isolated. According to the American Psychological Association, there are adverse health consequences associated with social isolation including: depression, accelerated cognitive decline, impaired immunity, and poor cardiovascular function. There was even a study published in the American Journal of Epidemiology found that social isolation increases the risk of premature death. Aside from the physical dangers of being isolated, there are also spiritual dangers to being isolated. When we are isolated, we give the devil a foothold to attack us (Ephesisians 4:25-27).
I tried so hard to keep what was happening with Keller a secret. I wouldn’t tell my friends when I would start communicating with him again, but they could always tell. I was ashamed to be talking with him so I would isolate myself. That kept the abuse going and each time it got worse than before.
Let me say this as clearly as I can so you don’t make the same mistakes I did. If you have to keep your relationship a secret, it is not healthy. Isolating yourself from your family and friends is not healthy. Isolation is not healthy.
It is natural to want to isolate yourself when you’re feeling lonely and depressed. However, I encourage you to do the opposite. Pray that God would comfort you. He promises to never leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). Reach out to people and let them know what you’re going through so they can encourage you. Remember, you are not alone.
Love,
Redeemed Mama