I blocked Keller on all forms of social media and I blocked his phone number the night I told him I was keeping the baby. Actually, Grace blocked him. She came into the room, heard him screaming at me, took the phone out of my hand, hung up, and blocked him. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it even though I was being called horrible names. I couldn’t do it even though I was threatened. I couldn’t do it even though the conversation was going in circles for hours. I couldn’t do it.
I called the police to report that he told me he was committing suicide. I called his friends to go check on him. That only made things worse. Keller was furious when I told him the police were on their way. He left his apartment because he didn’t want the police or his friends to find him. I begged him not to do it. I begged him to stay at his apartment. I begged him to call The National Sucide Prevention Lifeline. I begged him, but it only made things worse.
What if the police couldn’t find him in time? What if he was successful in killing himself? Would I be blamed for this? What if the police say I pushed him over the edge? It wasn’t my fault. I’m allowed to change my mind. I’m allowed to keep the baby. Keller made the choice to commit suicide. This was his fault. But, he needed me. I abandoned him when he needed me. I wasn’t trying to abandon him, but that conversation was going nowhere – I was only making it worse. What if that was the last time I’d ever speak to him? What would I tell our child? Would our child blame me for Keller killing himself? Didn’t I want my son to have a father? I shouldn’t have kept pushing him to get help. I blocked his phone number so he can’t reach me. I have no idea if he is alive or dead. What if this really is all my fault?
These are actual thoughts I had that night. They kept going in circles just like that. My mind never stopped. By the morning, I had convinced myself that I was partly responsible for Keller wanting to kill himself. I felt so guilty. It all felt so cruel.
My phone started ringing the next morning with calls and texts from random numbers that I did not recognize. They were all from Keller. He was furious at me for involving his friends and the police in our argument. I already felt guilty so it was hard for me to not accept all of the blame. I tried to communicate to him that he couldn’t behave that way no matter what I supposedly did, but somehow everything kept getting turned back to being my fault. We kept going round and round until I had no idea what way was up. I needed the calls to stop so I basically accepted the blame so I could go about my day.
Over the next few months, Keller and I continued this cycle:
- He would get upset with me.
- I would block him.
- He would apologize and say he was getting help.
- I would let him back in.
Things weren’t always terrible. Keller and I had fun together the few times we saw each other during those few months. He came to my first two doctor appointments and got to see the baby and hear his heartbeat. I allowed myself to imagine what our little family would be like. We’d make plans to take our son to events and send each other pictures of different outfits we wanted to buy him. We’d talk about having the perfect coparenting relationship. I wanted our dream family to be a reality so badly. My Mom tried to help me realize my dream did not match reality, but I didn’t want to let go of my perfect fairytale.
Keller wanted us to try to make a real dating relationship work so we could be a real family. That seems like the noble thing to do, right? Get a girl pregnant and then you marry her. That’s how it goes. However, I knew that we would never work as a couple. It didn’t make sense to me to try to make things work as a couple when I knew they wouldn’t. I wanted us to work on being friends so we could be the best parents for our son. I didn’t want to make things worse by dating and then breaking up. Even though I knew we would never work together, I wasn’t ready to stop believing we could be the fairytale family.
But that’s the thing – it was just a fairytale. In reality, our relationship was a nightmare. The nightmare came in the form of phone calls, text messages, and emails. My phone was always, always ringing. The only time it would somewhat stop was when I let him back in again. I felt trapped. I didn’t know how to make it all stop. I knew what was happening was abusive on some level, but had no concept of nonphysical abuse.
It’s difficult to understand why people stay in abusive relationships. In fact, it doesn’t make any sense to most people. Why in the world would you willingly stay in a horrible relationship? The National Domestic Violence Hotline lists a few of the common reasons people stay in abusive relationships including:
- Fear: A person may be afraid of what will happen if they decide to leave the relationship.
- Believing Abuse is Normal: A person may not know what a healthy relationship looks like, perhaps from growing up in an environment where abuse was common, and they may not recognize that their relationship is unhealthy.
- Fear of Being Outed: If someone is in an LGBTQ relationship and has not yet come out to everyone, their partner may threaten to reveal this secret.
- Embarrassment or Shame: It’s often difficult for someone to admit that they’ve been abused. They may feel they’ve done something wrong by becoming involved with an abusive partner. They may also worry that their friends and family will judge them.
- Low Self-Esteem: When an abusive partner constantly puts someone down and blames them for the abuse, it can be easy for the victim to believe those statements and think that the abuse is their fault.
- Love: So often, the victim feels love for their abusive partner. They may have children with them and want to maintain their family. Abusive people can often be charming, especially at the beginning of a relationship, and the victim may hope that their partner will go back to being that person. They may only want the violence to stop, not for the relationship to end entirely.
- Cultural/Religious Reasons: Traditional gender roles supported by someone’s culture or religion may influence them to stay rather than end the relationship for fear of bringing shame upon their family.
- Language Barriers/Immigration Status: If a person is undocumented, they may fear that reporting the abuse will affect their immigration status. Also, if their first language isn’t English, it can be difficult to express the depth of their situation to others.
- Lack of Money/Resources: Financial abuse is common, and a victim may be financially dependent on their abusive partner. Without money, access to resources or even a place to go, it can seem impossible for them to leave the relationship. This feeling of helplessness can be especially strong if the person lives with their abusive partner.
- Disability: When someone is physically dependent on their abusive partner, they can feel that their well-being is connected to the relationship. This dependency could heavily influence their decision to stay in an abusive relationship.
My family and friends had no idea why I allowed Keller to stay in my life or why I wanted him to be involved in our lives going forward. They asked me to get a restraining order against Keller. I didn’t want to do that. A restraining order felt so cruel and so final. They didn’t understand why I was so resistant to dealing with the problem. I was resistant because:
- Fear. I was afraid pursuing a restraining order would push Keller over the edge and he would commit suicide.
- Fear. Things would only get worse if I was denied a restraining order. At least for the time being the cycle was predictable.
- Believe Abuse Is Normal. I didn’t believe what I was experiencing was bad enough for a restraining order to be granted because it wasn’t physical abuse.
- Embarrassment/Shame. If I would have just listened to the early red flags I would not be in this mess. I would have to come clean about everything that was going on.
- Low self-esteem. I felt like this was punishment for getting pregnant out of wedlock.
- Low self-esteem. I felt at fault for some of Keller’s outbursts. I was going back and forth with wanting him to be in our lives, but not wanting him to be in our lives. It was confusing even to me.
- Love. I was so embarrassed to admit that I liked having Keller in my life. Even if our relationship was far from good, I wanted to raise our son together. I wanted to be a family.
- Religious Reasons. The Bible teaches about forgiveness and I wanted to forgive Keller for what he did not kick him out of our lives.
I needed advice on what to do. I reached out to domestic violence shelters. I left messages for the domestic violence division of the police department. I called multiple attorneys to ask for advice. And you know the answers I heard back? The domestic violence shelters told me to “call back when the abuse turns physical.” The domestic violence division of the police department never returned my calls. The multiple attorneys I spoke to said there was nothing I could do until after the baby was born. Basically each group communicated that what I was experiencing wasn’t bad enough for anyone to care to stop it.
Do you know how devastating it is to be told the abuse you’re experiencing doesn’t matter? I wasn’t going to risk retaliation and humiliation for a restraining order that wouldn’t be granted. So I let the cycle of abuse continue.
It is very difficult to get out of an abusive relationship. There are so many different factors that play a role in the decision to stay or leave. The best thing you can do for someone in that predicament is be there for them. Remember, there are a lot of emotions at work and sometimes the rationale for staying won’t make sense to you. That doesn’t mean the person isn’t listening and is a lost cause.
I needed to know that my family loved me even if they didn’t understand why I wasn’t leaving. I tried to remind myself that my family was pushing for me to leave because they wanted the best for me and the baby. However, the more my family pushed, the more I isolated myself from them. I remember talking to my Dad and telling him I didn’t want to speak about Keller anymore with him.
I’m so glad my family didn’t give up on me. Most importantly though, God never gives up on us no matter how much we try to resist Him. Jesus said, “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in” (Revelation 3:20). Don’t push Jesus away. Jesus loves you more than any person could and He never leaves you. Let Him help you.
Love,
Redeemed Mama
If you are experiencing abuse, call 1-800-799-7233.
If you are contemplating suicide, call 1-800-273-8255.