Relent (verb): to cease resistance.
Things with Keller kept getting consistently worse and worse. I kept thinking I could make him realize his behavior wasn’t rational. I thought I could convince him that us being together was not going to work. I thought I could fix him. I thought if I loved him enough I could solve all our problems. I didn’t want to give up on him. Giving up felt like I hadn’t tried hard enough to save us. Would I be able to tell our child I tried everything to make it work with his father? Would I be able to say I gave 100%? Would I be able to convince myself I didn’t give up too quickly?
I was 7.5 months pregnant and I was tired of having the same conversation over and over. My Facetime would go off at all hours of the day and night. I tried to help him. I tried to talk to him. I tried to love him. However, each time I tried, things got worse. When I would give in and agree to talk to him, it was never for enough time. When I would end the conversation, I would get blamed for abandoning him in his time of need. When I wouldn’t agree to speak to him, he would threaten to kill himself. Each time he threatened to kill himself I waited in agony not knowing if this was the time he would be successful.
I was trying to save Keller, but I couldn’t. In trying to save him, I was losing myself. I was trying to save myself, but I couldn’t. I was so broken on the inside. My depression became so bad my doctor begged me to speak to a counselor because she was worried about me and the baby. My Dad, Grace, and Brooke had an intervention and begged me to cut off all contact with Keller. I told them I would consider it the next time things got bad between us. Let me repeat that – the next time things got bad – I knew there would be a next time. I knew it was coming. I just didn’t know when.
It was the Wednesday before Mother’s Day in 2018. My boss could see that I was not doing well. She told me I could work remotely for the remainder of my pregnancy if I wanted to go back to California to be closer to my family. I thanked her and politely turned down her offer. I didn’t want to run away from my problems. I could handle it. On Friday, she told me happy Mother’s Day. I broke down. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was trying so hard, but I couldn’t do it. I had been dreading Mother’s Day. To hear someone tell me “Happy Mother’s Day” was too much. I told her I needed to accept her offer for me to work from California for the remainder of my pregnancy.
I was still unsure about going back to California. I had no idea if my insurance would allow me to still be seen in California. I didn’t know if I would be able to find a doctor since my baby was due in 6 weeks. I just knew I couldn’t do it on my own. That day, I called my parents and told them I was planning to come home the following week. I had no idea how this would work, but God provided in ways I could never imagine.
On Mother’s Day, I went to church and I heard God say, “If you stay, you will die.” I walked to the front of the church, got down on my knees, and surrendered the whole situation over to God. I admitted that I had been trying to fix things on my own, but I couldn’t. I acknowledged that I needed God to rescue me. I felt a wave of peace wash over me. I didn’t have to have everything figured out because I knew God would provide a way. It was my job to be obedient and listen to Him even if it meant doing something I didn’t want to do. I was reminded that only God can save Keller. To this day, I continue to pray that Keller will surrender his life to Christ.
Jonah was told to go to Nineveh and tell the people to turn from their wicked ways. He didn’t want to go so he boarded a boat headed in the opposite direction. A great storm broke out. Jonah knew the storm was to get his attention since he was running from what God had called him to do. The only way the storm would pass was if Jonah was thrown overboard. God provided a big fish to swallow Jonah and Jonah stayed in the belly of the fish for 3 days and 3 nights. While Jonah was in the belly of the fish, he prayed this prayer to God:
“In my distress I called to the Lord,
and he answered me.
From deep in the realm of the dead I called for help,
and you listened to my cry.
You hurled me into the depths,
into the very heart of the seas,
and the currents swirled about me;
all your waves and breakers
swept over me.
I said, ‘I have been banished
from your sight;
yet I will look again
toward your holy temple.’
The engulfing waters threatened me,
the deep surrounded me;
seaweed was wrapped around my head.
To the roots of the mountains I sank down;
the earth beneath barred me in forever.
But you, Lord my God,
brought my life up from the pit.
“When my life was ebbing away,
I remembered you, Lord,
and my prayer rose to you,
to your holy temple.
“Those who cling to worthless idols
turn away from God’s love for them.
But I, with shouts of grateful praise,
will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good
I will say, ‘Salvation comes from the Lord.’”
Jonah relented. The fish spit him up on dry land. Jonah obeyed God and went to Nineveh. Upon hearing Jonah’s message, the people of Nineveh surrendered to God and turned from their wicked ways.
It might seem crazy that Jonah was in a fish, but even that fish was provided by God. Think about it. That fish had to hatch from an egg, grow up, and not get eaten by anything else. That fish had to swim to that exact spot at exactly the right time. That fish had to then swim to the shore so that Jonah could be spit up on dry land. That fish was provided by God to save Jonah. That fish didn’t just appear magically out of nowhere.
God is waiting for us to relent. We can run, but He will use whatever He can to get our attention. None of us are too broken or too unworthy no matter what we’ve done in our past. 1 Timothy 2:4 says God “desired all people to be saved and come to the knowledge of the truth.” God already has a plan to provide for us. He provided the fish for Jonah. He provided a way for me to work remotely and travel back to California. It’s our job to obey and let God take care of the rest.
I had been trying so hard to keep all the pieces from breaking, but maybe all of the pieces needed to break so God could create something new. Kintsugi is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold. The idea is if you embrace the flaws and imperfections, you can create an even stronger, more beautiful piece. When we surrender the pieces of our lives over to God, He puts our lives back together to create something even more beautiful than His original design. The thing is though, if we continue to hold on to the broken pieces of our lives, the pieces will never get put back together because we don’t have the ability to hold them together.
Is there something in your life you’ve been trying to fix to no avail? Are you ready to surrender to Christ? Romans 6:23 says, “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” God’s ready to fix your broken pieces. Are you ready to surrender the broken pieces over to Him?
Love,
Redeemed Mama