I thought something was wrong with me. I wasn’t crying. The tears wouldn’t come even when I willed them to. Everyone around me was crying, but I could not cry. My tears flowed so heavily those first couple of days. Then they just stopped.
When I imagined how I would react if something terrible happened, I pictured a lot of tears. I had seen and spoken to people who lost loved ones. They all spoke about days, weeks, months even, of crying everyday. There is a popular quote from Jamie Anderson that reads, “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow party of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” Reading that quote hurt so much. Tears are normal. Tears are expected. I didn’t have the tears the quote talks about. Why didn’t I have tears?
My mind started to run down a dark path. If I really loved Gideon, I would cry. Maybe all those people who are crying love Gideon more than I do. Tears are the only way people would know how much I’m hurting. I must be broken.
A neighbor bought us a book called Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen. The next day, someone sent us a package that included another copy of Tear Soup. Clearly, we needed to read this book. The premise of the book is that grief looks different for each person. There is no formula or step-by-step instruction manual. Grief is personal. I needed that reminder. My grief isn’t wrong simply because it looks different.
I love talking about Gideon and I love when other people talk about Gideon. It’s normal and natural and fun for me to take those trips down memory lane. There are other people who do not want to talk about the person who passed away. Other people have said traveling and taking time away was exactly what they needed. I wasn’t ready to travel far from my home and not be where Gideon lived. Some people want to sleep all day, but I have trouble falling and staying asleep. I’m choosing to find the joy in doing things Gideon loved even though it hurts. Some people don’t want to do things their loved one did because it hurts.
It’s been almost four months now since Gideon went to Heaven. My tears have returned at times. Other times I have a lump in my throat, but the tears won’t fall from my eyes. I’ve come to welcome my tears when they come, but I don’t get too hard on myself when they don’t.
“For everything there is a season . . . a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance”
Ecclesiastes 3: 1 & 4