The day after Gideon died, I sat in a chair in the living room the entire day. There was a box of tissues on the table next to me and I think I used the entire box in one day. I didn’t eat because I wasn’t hungry and I honestly wasn’t sure if I would be able to keep anything down. There were tons of notifications on my phone, but I didn’t look at them. I couldn’t do anything and I didn’t want to do anything. I was numb. My life had completely stopped, but yet life was still happening around me.
Family started arriving from out of town and a few of them stayed with me. Obviously, I hadn’t planned on having company, so nothing was ready. Sheets needed to be washed and beds needed to be made, bathrooms needed to be cleaned, and laundry needed to be done so there were enough fresh towels. I only had six sets of dishes and there were more than six people. I wasn’t planning on having so many extra mouths to feed so a trip to the grocery store was needed. Nothing out of the ordinary or particularly difficult, but everyone in my family was grieving and didn’t have capacity to do it. And that was just the practical stuff.
I spoke to the medical examiner’s office about what needed to be done since an autopsy needed to be performed. I received a call asking if I would be willing to donate Gideon’s corneas and/or heart valves. They had a series of questions for me that needed to be answered about medical history. I knew that I needed to start planning a service to celebrate Gideon’s life. It was all very overwhelming. I was so numb, but I was also in get-it-done mode. I had a checklist of things that needed to happen and an order in which each task needed to be completed. Suddenly, my whole focus went into planning Gideon’s service.
While we were still at the hospital the night Gideon died, I remember the hospital chaplain asking me if there was a church she could notify on my behalf. I didn’t give her an answer. I remember thinking this was just something my family and I were going to have to get through on our own (clearly I was not fully grasping what had just happened). When we arrived home that night, a couple from the church I attend met us at my home. Utterly exhausted, I was already asleep, but the couple brought dinner and some sleeping aid they had picked up at the local grocery store, just in case. They prayed with my sister and brother-in-law and said they would return the next day to help me with planning the service. We had no idea how the church was notified, but that couple showing up for us that night was such a blessing. It was our greatest time of need and it was foolish to think we could handle it alone. Little did I know that was just the beginning of people showing up for us.
The next day friends, neighbors, coworkers, and even strangers showered us with blessings. People brought hot meals and so many groceries that not only my fridge, but also my sister’s fridge, and a neighbor’s freezer were completely packed. People brought paper products like plates, utensils, tissues, and towel papers because they knew a lot of people would be coming into town and the last thing we needed to worry about was all of that. People came and cleaned my house and my sister’s house. People took care of the yardwork and the plants. People set up meal trains and donated to help cover medical bills and the funeral cost. People prayed for us and sent encouraging texts and cards. People helped me figure out funeral arrangements. People made memorials to honor Gideon. People sent flowers and other beautiful things and our house looked and smelled beautiful. And so, so much more.
I am honestly still completely in awe of how much love and support we received and continue to receive. People used their unique talents and abilities to be there for us in our greatest time of need. That is how the body of Christ is supposed to work. I didn’t know what I needed in those first few days and I still don’t know exactly what I need at times today. People surveyed the situation and filled the needs they saw. In time, it occurred to me that grief is a marathon and people need help at different times along the way, not just at the very beginning. Consequently, I have greatly appreciated the people who have made it known that they are there for me for the long haul.
Being the recipient of so much support got me thinking about how I’ve shown up for people in their time of need. I realized I had some people I needed to apologize to because I wasn’t there for them like I should have been. Maybe you, like me, have thought it’s so hard because no one knows what to do in difficult situations like this. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know what to say or do sometimes, so I end up saying or doing nothing. I don’t want to make it uncomfortable, so sometimes I pull away and just pretend like it didn’t happen. I’ve realized that I don’t want to do that anymore. Yes, it’s hard and yes, no one knows what to say, but I still want to show up. I’ve come to realize that it’s ok to say there are no words and there is no action that makes it better. (Many, many of you sent messages with the first sentence: “I just don’t know what to say ….” and truthfully, I don’t either.) I’m beginning to grasp that what matters is that I’m there and I’m going to serve them in a way that I can whether that is something tangible (like a gift, card, a scripture verse, etc.), giving a monetary donation, or actually praying for that person. I know I won’t always get it right, but my goal is to do better in this area.
My newsfeed has been full of people who are hurting. There has been a lot of death, disease, and suffering lately. Each time I login to social media, I’m seeing posts about friends of mine that are grieving. Maybe you’re seeing a lot more of that, too. I wanted to share a list of ways to show up for the people in our lives who are hurting. This isn’t an exhaustive list by any means, but maybe it will help you with some ideas.
Ways to help:
- Bring food/groceries
- Bring paper products like plates, utensils,cups, toilet paper, paper towels, tissues, etc
- Bring air mattresses and bedding for extra house guests
- Show up and clean/do laundry
- Do yard work/gardening
- Run errands
- Send or bring physical copies of books so they have them for when they’re ready
- Call/text to let them know you’re thinking about them (this means more than you know)
- Share fun memories
- Pray for them (really do it and keep doing it!)
- Share encouraging messages and scripture
- Just be there!
- Donate to cover costs of bills and living expenses
- Make travel arrangements
- Create and organize a meal train or a donation site for them
- Identify yourself as someone being there for them for the long haul if you truly are
- Connect them with people who have similar stories
- Create a memorial of some kind
- Listen and sit in the silence if needed
- Use your unique talent and creativity to show support, whether it’s art, writing, hospitality, organization, listening, hugging, tech skills, etc.
- And finally, consider this:
- Is there a way to help a different member of the family who is also grieving, but might be getting overlooked?
We aren’t meant to get through hard times alone and I would even contend we can’t get through hard times alone. We need each other. So, ask for help if you need it. Receive help when you need it. Be there and help when someone else needs it.
I pray these thoughts will help inspire you to identify how you can assist the next time you’re in a situation to help someone who is hurting.
Thank you again to everyone who has helped me and my family in so many ways. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
Love,
Brittany
“Whenever you are able, do good to people who need help.” – Proverbs 3:27
“Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people . . .” – Galatians 6:10