Shame was a label I thought I would have to wear forever. I felt so much shame for such a long time. Shame over getting pregnant. Shame about the life I was living. Shame that things didn’t work with Keller. Shame about being a single mom. Shame for becoming a statistic as an unemployed single mom. The list goes on. Shame became my identity. It went beyond feeling guilty for the mistakes I had made. Shame told me I was a mistake.
People don’t know my story, so when they’ve asked me about my husband or asked where Gideon’s dad is I was instantly overcome with shame. I tried to put on a brave face and smile when I answered the questions so hopefully I could mask my true emotions and beliefs. I hoped no one would be able to see the shame I was carrying around; the shame that was crippling me under its weight.
The shame felt too heavy and too big to ever go away. I thought maybe it would lessen over time at best. Because it had become my identity, I didn’t know who I was without it.
Recently, it came up about me being a single mom. I always feel like I need to explain the situation and usually that’s where the shame comes in. However, I didn’t feel ashamed this time. I answered confidently with a genuine smile on my face.
The situation is still difficult and the circumstances didn’t change. So what caused this release of shame?
I had asked God to forgive me for my mistakes, but I hadn’t forgiven myself. I had been acting as if what I had done was too terrible for God to forgive which made my shame all the worse. The truth is that no mistake is too terrible for God to forgive. Once I truly accepted God’s forgiveness and in turn forgave myself I took back my identity in Christ and my shame was released.
I was never meant to carry the burden or wear the label of shame. John 3:17 says, “For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.” God wants to release us from the heavy burdens we carry around. We just have to accept His offer and lay down our burdens. I had to surrender to God so He could release me from my shame.
Sharing my story with all of you has also really helped me release my shame. Putting words on paper about what happened has allowed me to process things in a different way. I have been able to look back and see God’s hand in my story. I don’t have to be ashamed of the mistakes I made because God is using my mistakes to help others. He promises that He will make beauty from ashes if we allow Him to do so.
Love,
Redeemed Mama