“Why don’t you just leave?” I don’t think people who ask that question have cruel intentions. It is a legitimate question in a way because it doesn’t make any sense to stay in a situation that causes pain and suffering. It makes sense to want to get away from that. Honestly, though, I don’t like that question. It implies that leaving is easy. It implies that the question has only one answer. It implies that the unknown of the future is clearly better than the known of the present.
Truthfully, that question has so many different answers and those answers are unique for each person. It’s not an easy decision to leave because leaving often comes with it’s own problems.
One reason I didn’t leave right away was that I wanted Gideon to know his father. I had heard all of the statistics about fatherlessness and I did not want Gideon to be one of those statistics. According to The National Center for Fathers, children in fatherless homes are more likely to:
- Live in poverty
- Abuse drugs and alcohol
- Have greater behavior problems
- Commit suicide
- Do poorly in school
- End up in prison
- Have increased sexual activity at an early age
Who wants that for their child? Not me! I wanted to do everything I could to prevent all of that from being Gideon’s life. I thought the only way I could protect Gideon from that life was to do everything I could to make things work with Keller. I convinced myself that it would all magically work out and we would have a picture perfect co-parenting relationship.
Everyone around me knew that wasn’t reality. They pushed me to leave. They pushed me to file a restraining order. Eventually, I left and had no choice but to get a restraining order. What almost nobody knew was I felt so guilty for leaving. Read that again. I felt guilty for leaving an abusive relationship. I felt like my decision to leave had sealed Gideon’s fate for the worse. Leaving made me feel like a failure. I felt like I should have been able to put up with Keller’s behavior because Gideon needed to have a father.
According to the Office of Women’s Health, children who are exposed to abuse are more likely to:
- Be abused themselves as a child
- Develop serious physical and mental health problems
- Continue the cycle of abuse by either entering into abusive relationships or becoming the abuser in adulthood
- Regress developmentally
- Feel guilty and blame themselves for the abuse they are exposed to
Even if children do not witness abuse directly, they are perceptive enough to know when there is tension and fear in the home. Children don’t need to see the abuse happening to be negatively affected by it.
When people talk about the fatherless epidemic, they always talk about the impact and influence father’s have on their children. They talk about how important it is for fathers to step up and be there for their kids because it can make all the difference. But, maybe that isn’t always the case.
It wasn’t until recently that I realized impact and influence can be positive, but they can also be negative. Positive people create a positive influence, but negative people create a negative influence. That realization was a game changer for me. I wanted Gideon to be surrounded by people who provided a positive influence for him, not a negative one.
I finally realized what was best for Gideon was to be in a safe, stable, and loving environment even if that meant having only one parent instead of two. I was able to fully grasp what everyone was trying to warn me about and understand the urgency in their pushing me to leave. There was no way to regulate what Gideon would be exposed to if I stayed. They just wanted to protect me (and Gideon) from being hurt even more. I stopped feeling guilty for setting up the boundaries I needed to in order to protect myself and Gideon.
I really struggled last Father’s Day in particular because I felt so grieved for Gideon. However, this Father’s Day I am so proud of the life I have been able to build for him. He is surrounded by people who love him and are a positive influence on his life, even if they aren’t related to him. He is thriving and excelling developmentally. He has so much joy and people always comment on how special he is.
Making the decision to leave wasn’t easy and it required making some very difficult choices. We’re still in the middle of our story so I don’t know exactly how things will turn out in the future. However, while he may not have his biological father in his life, Gideon has many father figures who are committed to being a positive influence in his life. Their love and support mean so much to me and I am so thankful for them.
I want to share these words that a friend shared with me last Father’s Day. May you find encouragement in them as well. “Praying that you would not feel the absence, but instead be filled with joy and gratitude for the men in Gideon’s life. Praying that Gideon would always feel and know the love that his Heavenly Father has for him.”
Love,
Redeemed Mama