I still remember exactly where I was the day I decided to change my phone number. I was sitting in my car after going to TJ-Maxx on a Saturday in April 2019. I had taken maternity photos a few weeks prior and the photographer had just sent me the link to all of my pictures. As I was looking through the pictures, I got this overwhelming feeling that I had to do whatever I could to protect my baby. I knew I had to start by changing my phone number. However, the thought of doing that made me burst into tears. With a tear stained face, I walked into the cell phone store and changed my phone number. It was done. My friends and family had been encouraging me to change my phone number for months, but I wasn’t ready to do it until that moment.
I was very resistant to changing my phone number. I felt like asking Keller to stop calling and texting me should be enough. Why did I have to change my phone number? Keller was the one who wouldn’t stop contacting me, even though I had asked him to stop numerous times. And besides, I had had that phone number since I got a cellphone. It’s the number everyone had for me. I babysat and encouraged my clients to share my phone number with their friends. People I knew in a professional setting had my phone number and would sporadically reach out when they needed something. Friends from college and my hometown would contact me when they were in DC or when they wanted to catch up. That phone number was attached to my identity.
The reason I needed to get a new phone number was because Keller would contact me nonstop. My phone would start ringing at 6:00 am and it would continue to ring until well after midnight. My phone would ring so often that I couldn’t even use my phone. If I didn’t answer the phone, the calls would continue. They would only stop once I picked up the phone and talked to him. This pattern went on from November 2018 – April 2019. I have no idea how many calls came through because it was impossible to count. One day I was away from my phone for a 1 hour period and I came back to 50 missed calls and over 100 text messages. I would leave my phone in my purse during the work day even though people from work used that number to contact me. Plus, my phone was constantly vibrating during meetings which was very disruptive. I blocked Keller’s number, but he would call me from all sorts of different numbers. I went through and blocked all of those numbers thinking that would solve the problem. Instead, he would call me from “blocked” and “unknown” numbers, and I found out later, I wasn’t able to track or truly block those numbers.
I remember that I felt terrible changing my phone number. At one point, Keller and I were in an alright place. Well, actually, that’s not entirely true. Two days before he had been calling me nonstop. We had talked about going to counseling together (another blog post for another day), but then I decided I didn’t want to. I was afraid a counselor would make me stay in something I knew in my heart wasn’t right. Anyway . . . Keller was begging me to do counseling with him. I told him I would go with him, but actually I needed him to just stop badgering me with all the calls. I felt terrible lying to him about the promise of counseling. I really didn’t want to go to counseling with him. I just needed the calls and the incessant arguing to stop. It broke my heart to hear him so excited about us going to counseling together. With my promise to go to counseling together, the constant calls stopped for the rest of the evening. The next day I got a text from him in the morning checking in on me. It was sweet….. So with all of this in mind, it made me almost sick to my stomach to think about doing a 180 and changing my phone number.
Here’s the thing. It’s the sweet moments that melted me. They always made me feel like maybe things could be better. Maybe things could change. Maybe we actually could be a family. The sweet moments made me question if I was blowing things out of proportion. Sometimes they even made me question if I was the problem. However, the sweet moments weren’t reality. In fact, the sweet moments only lasted for a flash and then things were worse than they were before.
It may have seemed like I changed my number out of nowhere and for no valid reason. (I never want to claim that I did everything right.) I know that changing my number, seemingly out of nowhere, was hurtful to Keller; however, I was feeling smothered by the volume of calls and texts. At the same time, I know that changing my number was hurtful to him; however, deep down I really didn’t want to hurt him.
I naively thought everything would stop (besides emails because I didn’t change my email address) after I changed my number. However, it did not. The day after I got a new number, I received a Facetime from Keller on my phone with my new number. I freaked out! I was completely panicked that Keller somehow had my new phone number. At that moment I did not put together that Facetime can be linked to an email address. (It actually took me months to put together that’s how he was still able to Facetime me.)
After that incident, I was terrified to give anyone my phone number. I only told a select few people about the new number. I didn’t want to have to explain myself to others. I didn’t want anyone to call me. I lost babysitting jobs because clients couldn’t reach me in a timely manner. Anytime my phone rang, I would get nervous and I was afraid to answer for fear of who would be on the other end of the phone.
To this day, anytime I get a call from an “unknown” or “blocked” caller, I completely panic. Although I do not answer such calls, my heart starts racing, my palms get sweaty, and I hold my breath until the call ends. Then I check for a voice message, all the while, my mind quickly assumes the worst. Even though the “blocked” and “unknown” caller/message is insignificant, it takes me the rest of the day to recover and calm down. Thankfully, Keller hasn’t called me in almost 2 years; however, I don’t think my PTSD from receiving “blocked” or “unknown” calls will ever completely go away. But I do hope that it will lessen with time.
Technology can be great, but it can also be used to begin, continue, or escalate abuse. Here are some Technology Safety tips on cell phone safety for anyone experiencing harassment or abuse:
- Put a passcode on your phone
- Turn off location sharing
- Turn off your Bluetooth when you’re not using it
- Check your privacy and security settings
- Be careful what online accounts you’re automatically logged into
- Review the apps on your phone and delete any you don’t recognize
- Put a password on your wireless account
- Make sure that your online accounts (Google, AppStore, etc) have a password and security questions
- Use a virtual phone number if you need to keep your number secure
- Don’t store sensitive information on your phone
- Use anti-spyware on your phone
- Be careful if you’re relying on safety apps
Since my experience, here is what I have learned about cell phones:
- I had no idea that in order for a call from a “blocked” or “unknown” number to show up on your phone bill, the call had to have been answered, or the caller had to leave a message. I assumed all of Keller’s calls from various phones, labeled “blocked” or “unknown” would show up on the call log on my phone bill each month, but nope! That makes it really difficult to prove the calls had come in. To verify those calls, take screenshots of them.
- I had no idea that you couldn’t block a call from a “blocked” or “unknown” number since your phone doesn’t know what number to block.
- Facetime can still connect if you know someone’s email address, but don’t have their phone number.
- Location can be found on your photos even if you aren’t sharing your location.
- You can save voicemails to your email address so you can delete them from your phone, but still have access to them if needed.
Technology can be so helpful, but it can also be used as a weapon. It’s important to stay safe and be smart.
Love,
Redeemed Mama
Here are a few other resources for more technology safety information and tips:
- https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/internet-safety/
- https://pathwaystosafety.org/staying-safe/