Recently, Stand Up Survivor posted an image on their social media accounts and asked for feedback. The image said, “I wish that people knew that domestic violence…” I started thinking about what my answer to that would be. I know every experience is different, but here is what I wish that people knew when it comes to domestic violence:
I wish that people knew that domestic violence does not have to leave physical scars.
It took me a long time to realize that the emotional and mental abuse I was experiencing was domestic violence. I thought domestic violence had to be physical violence – hitting, punching, kicking, choking, etc. I looked up the definition of domestic violence and this is what I found: violent or aggressive behavior within the home, typically involving the violent abuse of a spouse or partner. That definition suggests that only physical violence counts as domestic violence. It’s no wonder people, including myself, believe that physical violence has to be present in order for domestic violence to have occured. However, the National Domestic Violence Hotline defines domestic violence as “a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.” It’s important to know that domestic violence is often not physical violence, especially at the beginning. Some common warning signs of abuse are:
- Saying you never do anything right
- Extreme jealousy
- Preventing or discouraging you from spending time with family and friends
- Insulting, demeaning, or shaming you especially infront of other people
- Preventing you from making your own decisions
- Pressuring you to have sex or use drugs and alcohol
I don’t have physical scars, but I have deep mental and emotional scars from everything I went through. Those scars are a lot harder for other people to see.
I find it interesting that the Judge granted a multi-year restraining order for my situation. If domestic violence was only physical then there would have been no way I would have ever been awarded a restraining order, much less one that spans multiple years.
I wish that people knew that domestic violence does not mean you don’t miss the good times with the person who abused you.
A trauma bond is a connection between an abusive person and the person they abuse. It typically occurs when an abused person develops sympathy or affection for the abuser. This one is difficult to comprehend, mostly because it’s so hard to understand why anyone would miss someone who hurt them so badly. I could not explain why I was having such a hard time walking away from someone that had no positive impact on my life. I had formed a trauma bond with Keller.
I think my trauma bond started to form when I tried to save Keller from himself. Each time he would threaten to hurt or kill himself I felt like I had to do everything in my power to save him. I wanted to show him that life was worth living. I had so much sympathy for him because he came from a broken home (his words not mine) and I wanted to show him what a family could be like.
I still find that my mind will only focus on the fun, good times we had and I basically omit the painful, bad times. It’s my mind’s way of protecting me from all the trauma of that time. However, loving him was hurting me and it wasn’t sustainable for me to do.
I wish that people knew that domestic violence abusers don’t abuse everyone they come in contact with.
Keller was very charming. I remember him telling me that his counselor said I was the abusive one in our relationship. Granted, he was only telling his side of the story, but still, that statement always stuck with me. Was I the one who was being abusive to Keller? Keller repeatedly told me that no Judge would ever believe me, that I was the one who always caused arguments to escalate between us, and that I was making things up that never happened. I felt like I was going crazy. How could he say I was making up that he called me constantly when I had the phone logs to prove it? How could he say I started the argument when I asked him to stop contacting me and he refused to stop? I was terrified about going to court because I was convinced that Keller would somehow be able to manipulate the evidence and convince the Judge that I was the abusive one. Thankfully, the evidence spoke for itself. I now know what was going on was gaslighting. Gaslighting is the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events that occurred.
Keller also told me that everyone he shared our story with said he wasn’t the abusive type. People didn’t believe he was capable of doing the things I was accusing him of doing therefore, I had to be a liar. I know it’s hard sometimes for friends and family to believe that someone they know and love is being abusive towards someone else. However, just because someone doesn’t show abusive behaviors to you doesn’t mean they’re not abusing someone else. Be careful to not make excuses for bad behavior when confronted with it. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has advice on what to do if your friend or family member is the one being abusive towards someone else.
The reality is domestic violence doesn’t always look the same in every situation. It can be very complicated and messy. I hope this helped shed some light on just how complex domestic violence situations can be.
Love,
Redeemed Mama
“Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21