16. Rescue

Keller and I met on a dating app. We talked on the phone for 6 months before meeting in person (oh the joys of modern “dating”). During those few months, Keller and I got to know each other. He told me about his family life – or lack thereof according to him. He told me he often spent holidays including Thanksgiving and Christmas alone. He told me there was a “history of abuse” in his family and that he was the black sheep that was often forgotten about. I felt for him. Family dynamics can be difficult and every family (including mine) has issues. I didn’t know those things were red flags that I should have been paying attention to. 

So when Keller told me he was going to end his life after I told him I was keeping our baby, I was caught off guard. I knew he was depressed. I knew he was shocked by the news. However, I never imagined he would attempt suicide. I had no idea what to do to help him, but I had to do something. I felt responsible because Keller said he was ending his life because of me and the baby. I called the police and let them know Keller was attempting to commit suicide.  I reached out to his friends and asked them to go check on him. I stayed with him on the phone for hours trying to keep him talking to me until help could get there. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I was helping or hurting the situation. That was the first time I ever had anyone tell me they were going to end their life. 

(If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, reach out to the National Suicide Prevention LifeLine at 1-800-273-8255.)

Over the course of the next 8 months, Keller would tell me he was attempting suicide many more times. Each time was a little bit different. Sometimes he would tell me he didn’t want to live anymore or he didn’t have anything worth living for. Other times it would be much more graphic and send me pictures and videos of his attempts. He even once sent my Mom a picture and a suicide note. Each time I begged him to get help. Each time I tried to rescue him. 

Receiving those suicide messages never got any easier. They all were terrifying to hear and see. I never felt like I did enough, even though I did everything I could think of that I thought would be helpful. I called the police. I reached out to his friends and family to let them know what was going on.  I begged him to get help. Each time I told him I didn’t want him to end his life because his life was worth living and he was born for a purpose.

It’s terrifying to have someone tell you they are attempting or thinking of attempting to commit suicide. It feels like you are their only option and you don’t want to mess up because the situation is literally life and death. Remember that intervening and trying to get a person to seek help when they are suicidal is very important. However, also remember that you are not responsible for preventing them from taking their life. According to the Mayo Clinic, if someone you know is contemplating suicide here is what you can do:

• Encourage the person to call a suicide hotline number. In the U.S., call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255) to reach a trained counselor.
• Encourage the person to seek treatment. A suicidal or severely depressed person may not have the energy or motivation to find help. If the person doesn’t want to consult a doctor or mental health provider, suggest finding help from a support group, crisis center, faith community, teacher or other trusted person. You can offer support and advice — but remember that it’s not your job to substitute for a mental health provider.
• Offer to help the person take steps to get assistance and support. For example, you can research treatment options, make phone calls and review insurance benefit information, or even offer to go with the person to an appointment.
• Encourage the person to communicate with you. Someone who’s suicidal may be tempted to bottle up feelings because he or she feels ashamed, guilty or embarrassed. Be supportive and understanding, and express your opinions without placing blame. Listen attentively and avoid interrupting.
• Be respectful and acknowledge the person’s feelings.Don’t try to talk the person out of his or her feelings or express shock. Remember, even though someone who’s suicidal isn’t thinking logically, the emotions are real. Not respecting how the person feels can shut down communication.
• Don’t be patronizing or judgmental. For example, don’t tell someone, “Things could be worse” or “You have everything to live for.” Instead, ask questions such as, “What’s causing you to feel so bad?” “What would make you feel better?” or “How can I help?”
• Never promise to keep someone’s suicidal feelings a secret. Be understanding, but explain that you may not be able to keep such a promise if you think the person’s life is in danger. At that point, you have to get help.
• Offer reassurance that things can get better. When someone is suicidal, it seems as if nothing will make things better. Reassure the person that with appropriate treatment, he or she can develop other ways to cope and can feel better about life again.
• Encourage the person to avoid alcohol and drug use. Using drugs or alcohol may seem to ease the painful feelings, but ultimately it makes things worse — it can lead to reckless behavior or feeling more depressed. If the person can’t quit on his or her own, offer to help find treatment.
• Remove potentially dangerous items from the person’s home, if possible. If you can, make sure the person doesn’t have items around that could be used for suicide — such as knives, razors, guns or drugs. If the person takes a medication that could be used for overdose, encourage him or her to have someone safeguard it and give it as prescribed.

To me, Keller saying he wanted to commit suicide came out of no where. It seemed like an extreme reaction to me telling him I had decided to keep the baby. However, looking back, I realize there were warning signs that he was unhappy with the direction of his life way before I told him I was keeping the baby. The Mayo Clinic put together a list of signs that someone might be contemplating suicide:

• Talking about suicide — for example, making statements such as “I’m going to kill myself,” “I wish I were dead,” or “I wish I hadn’t been born”
• Getting the means to take your own life, such as buying a gun or stockpiling pills
• Withdrawing from social contact and wanting to be left alone
• Having mood swings, such as being emotionally high one day and deeply discouraged the next
• Being preoccupied with death, dying or violence
• Feeling trapped or hopeless about a situation
• Increasing use of alcohol or drugs
• Changing normal routine, including eating or sleeping patterns
• Doing risky or self-destructive things, such as using drugs or driving recklessly
• Giving away belongings or getting affairs in order when there is no other logical explanation for doing this
• Saying goodbye to people as if they won’t be seen again
• Developing personality changes or being severely anxious or agitated, particularly when experiencing some of the warning signs listed above

If you or someone you know is feeling like life is not worth living, I want to know: You matter. Your past matters. Your future matters. Your today matters. Your story matters. I’m not lying to you when I say those things. Psalm 139:16 says, “You, (God), saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe. Everyday was recorded in your book!” You were created for a unique purpose. 

Looking back, I realize my desire to rescue Keller started during those first few months before we ever met in person. I didn’t realize that I was doing it at first. I just wanted to show him compassion. I just wanted him to know that his life was worth living. I started to make myself be that person he could turn to in his time of need. As things got out of control, I began to think I needed to do more than rescue Keller – I needed to save him. No wonder I wasn’t able to do it and things just kept getting worse. I was trying to save Keller myself. I was trying to fill the space in Keller’s life that only God was meant to fill. 

God sent His Son, Jesus, to die on the cross to save you, me, all of us. Jesus is the only one who can save you, me, all of us. Jesus is the only one who can truly rescue you, me, all of us. That doesn’t mean I didn’t have a role to play or that I should have blown Keller off when he needed help. I just ultimately couldn’t give him the hope that he needed. Jesus is the only one who can offer true hope. Jesus is the only one who can provide eternal life. 

I love these songs that remind me that Jesus is the only one who can rescue me. I encourage you to read the words as you listen to them. 

“Rescue” by Desperation Band

“Rescue” by Lauren Dangle 

“Rescue Song” by Zach Williams

We all need to be rescued. We all need to be saved. God promises to rescue us – all we have to do is ask Him to. 

Love, 

Redeemed Mama

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